Bathroom of Doom

Hi Angel and Devil,


I'm new to sharehousing, so I don't know all the etiquette. I really like my flatmate Andy, but we seem to have a problem with the bathroom, and I'd like your opinion about it.


Andy's girlfriend Fiona practically lives with us, staying over 5-6 nights a week. When it comes to the bathroom, they often have showers together (if you know what I mean). Using the shower after them really grosses me out, so I shower at the gym most mornings.


Yesterday Andy emailed me, saying I wasn't doing a good enough job of cleaning the bathroom. I think this is unfair, because I do clean the bathroom (even though I hardly ever use the shower), and while Fiona certainly contributes to the mess, she never helps with cleaning.


What should I do?


Bathroom Blues.

Angel

Dear Bathroom Blues,


Oh the joys of sharehousing! It's amazing how irritating other peoples' habits can be when you have to deal with them in close quarters.


Since you're new to sharehousing, my general advice on house-hunting is to find out whether you'll have any 'unofficial' housemates, and to check why the departing housemate left - it may be that they couldn't stand the living arrangements. I'm also not keen on housemates sending passive-aggressive emails rather than actually talking, so please avoid turning this into an email war with Andy.


As for the bathroom, I can't see that bringing up the 'showering together' issue going to work for you. If Andy and Fiona are cool with having sex in shared spaces, then they're going to think you're very *uncool* for being against it. Instead, I'd suggest keeping a can of disinfectant spray handy - it'll take you 5 seconds to disinfect the shower without having a conversation that would damage your relationship with Andy.


Also, the reason why housemates fight about cleaning is because everyone has different 'Filth Tolerance Levels' (or FTLs if you will). If you can afford it, the best way to deal with this is to hire a cleaner - it solves most arguments. If not, then you and Andy need to talk about your FTLs regarding the bathroom, and perhaps draw up a cleaning roster.


And while cleaning the bathroom may be the bane of your mortal existence, keep in mind that if you make it to heaven, you'll have self-cleaning bathrooms for the rest of eternity.


Love Angel.




Devil


Buon giorno Bathroom Blues,

Wow, I actually have to hand it to Angel, that was a pretty nice response...


But eh... it's not what I'd do.


The way I see it, you have two problems.  Firstly: The girlfriend.   Secondly:  They're having sex in the bathroom you share and are expecting you to clean it up after them.  Ugh!  Vomit-town!


With the latter problem, I don't think a can of disinfectant will do it.  Disinfectant isn't going to remove any mental image you might get when you're next in there.  Also, you say you "really like" Andy, but how can you like someone who is so blatantly inconsiderate and can't even confront you with his problems? 


There are a couple of options here -- like move out, or whatever, but if you want to stand your ground...Here's what you should do:


Operation:  Get rid of girlfriend (this may have the added bonus of getting rid of Andy too!)


Considering you barely ever use the bathroom, the bathroom should be the battle ground.  Empty half of Fiona's/Andy's shampoo and conditioner bottles down the drain.  Replace the missing half with one or more of the following:
* Several lightly beaten eggs.  Sure it'll smell bad, but maybe they won't notice till it's too late?
* Cement powder.  Hilarious once set!
* Honey and or Maple syrup.  If you get ants or 'roaches in your house, their hair may turn into a nesting place!
* Mud.  Who wants clean hair anyway?
* Blue food dye...and lots of it.  At worst, their hand turns blue...at best, it's whole body blue!  Win-win!
* Cottage Cheese.  Just because I couldn't think of anything more disgusting to come out of a shampoo bottle!
Rinse and repeat!!


Operation:  Embarrass


Email that little shit back and say you'd rather not even use that bathroom because he and his girlfriend defile it on such a regular basis.  Suggest he cleans it after each shower and with a metric shit load of bleach.  Advise that you will be going in there with a black light (which will show up anything unmentionable) to check if he's been clean enough.  If he's not happy with this arrangement, tell him he's just got to stop with the sex in the bathroom. 


Devilish regards,


-D.