Sweaty Betty

Hey Angel and Devil

I've been seeing this girl for a couple of weeks and she's perfect - she's really hot and laughs at my jokes - but she's got like a mad sweat problem.  Now I've been out with loads of girls and none of my previous girlfriends have sweat like this.  All her clothes have giant sweat patches on them and this morning I noticed she left a sweat stain on my sheets.  It's pretty gross and smells rank!  I really like this girl, but I don't know how or if I should bring this up with her.  

Can you help?

- Drenched

Angel 

Dear Drenched,

Sounds like you’ve got yourself in a sticky situation.  Seriously though, I think this boils down to three questions.  

Firstly, can you live with it?  Is your girlfriend sweating a lovable quirk or a deal-breaker?  You say she’s perfect, so can you overlook the sweating or can you not face the thought of her drenching your sheets every night for the rest of your life?

Secondly, do you think she knows about her problem?  I think she’s more than likely aware of her sweating.  I’m sure she’s incredibly self conscious and hoping that you don’t mention it.  This means that if you decide to bring the issue up, you’re not likely to be telling her something that she doesn’t already know – but you will embarrass her.

Thirdly – and most importantly – could this be a health issue?  It doesn’t sound normal to sweat that much, and perhaps she needs to see a doctor.  I think that if you’re concerned about this, the best way to raise this is as a medical issue.  But if she says she’s already seen a doctor – and medical treatment hasn’t worked – this brings you back to question one.  Ultimately you need to decide whether you’d be happy to throw away a potentially great relationship because of this issue.  Hey, there could be something about you that’s really bothering her that she’s let go.  Nobody’s perfect (not even me!)

Love, Angel.

Devil

Bonjour Drenched...

If I were to have an 8th deadly sin, it'd totally be hyperhidrosis (excessive sweating).  Seriously, it's pretty gross... I reckon she must know she has her very own onion scented monsoonal storm cloud under her arms.  It's not like you could miss it.  To me it sounds like things are going straight to hell (don't worry, I'll leave a light on for ya!)

Solutions?

a) Drug her and hire someone to inject her under the armpits with Botox -- this is actually an effective treatment.  It wears off in 9 months, so you'll have to do it again.  Or she might be someone else's smelly problem by then, so who cares? 
b) Wear a peg on your nose and force her to sleep on a towel to protect your sheets.  It might humiliate her into doing something about it.
c) Run away!  Run away!!!
d) Buy her different types of deodorants and perfumes, and see which ones work.  Just don’t buy that Katy Perry perfume.  That shit comes from a river near my house. 
e) Fight back.  Eat only lentils and corn for 4 weeks.  Get flatulent.
f) Take up smoking to mask the smell.  (I have stock in several major brands of ciggarettes-- I don't mind spruiking for them!)
g) Buy crappy sheets from your local bargain store & a nice big fat black marker.  Wait till she stains the sheets and circle the stain with the marker.  Ask her what the stain is all about.

I sure hope this is helpful...Wait no I don't.  I'm the Devil!  Sheesh!  What was I thinking?

-D.

Hen's Night-Mare

Hello angel and devil,

A question for your site?

I am at an age where it seems everyone is getting married, this then leads to the obligatory hens parties. It seems hens parties these days are either ridiculously expensive carrying on for days or they are hyped up kids parties without the chocolate crackles (and lets face it that’s the best part of a kids party). So what I'm looking for is creative hens parties ideas and a way to avoid the games such as "pin the junk on the hunk" and pass the parcel with penis shaped toys inside.

Love

Free range hen

 

Angel

 

Dear Free Range,

 

Thanks for your question.  The main thing to keep in mind is that, while the party is all about the Bride, this doesn't mean you have to be at the mercy of Bridezilla. 

 

Since it's the Bride's party, you should try to accommodate any reasonable (or quasi-reasonable) requests.  If the Bride wants a tacky pink veil, shiny sash, genitalia-themed straws, strippers, and embarrassing dares, then (sigh) this is what you need to organise.

 

If she's all like, "I dunno", then give her a couple of suggestions:  seeing a band she's a fan of, going to the taping of a TV show she likes (this could be free!), or an afternoon of make-overs (DIY if people are on a budget, or hit up a day spa if you're in the money).  Also check out those 'Daily Deals' websites - maybe you could go sailing, or have a group cooking class, or a wine tasting.

 

If you're dealing with a Bridezilla, who wants a week in Thailand (or anything outside the hens' budgets), remember she's probably just temporarily insane in the lead-up to the wedding.  I suggest standing your ground:  she'll eventually see reason.  If she doesn't, you may want to contemplate the advice below.

 

Love, Angel.

 

 

Devil

 

Ahoy-hoy Free Range,

Obligatory hens' party eh?  Well, first things first, there is no such thing as an obligatory hens' party - that is unless you owned a bunch of actual hens on the condition that you held a party for them.  And those are some pretty weird circumstances.

So...advice... These parties are supposed to signify some kind of 'last day/night/whatever' of freedom before entering into the chokehold that is marriage, right?  Well, rather than playing frankly childish games involving male genitalia or hiring some greased up orange-skinned stranger to take his clothes off and reveal that he has male genitalia (what a shock) -- I suggest a string of activities to dissuade your friend from getting married in the first place!

I think the theme of the hens' party should be poo.  (These things have themes right?  eh, they do now.) 

Activity 1:  Volunteer at a child care centre
I know what you're thinking, right? why would the Devil suggest voluntary work?  Well, I think any work that's unpaid and not pleasant is funny.  So anyway, the point of this voluntary work is to get your bride to be used to cleaning up baby poo.  Get her to change as many nappies as she can! 

Activity 2:  Shit shovelling
Marriage is about compromise and I can't think of a better analogy for compromise than shovelling some shit.  Go to a farm, volunteer to move some cow turds. (or hey, chicken turds -- it is a hens' party after all)

Activity 3:  Volunteer at an aged care centre
And while you're at it, get your bride to be to volunteer to help change colostomy bags.  It's one of those things that she might just have to do for her future husband when he's old and incontinent. 

After all this, if she still wants to marry him, then at least she knows what she's in for!

-D.

Not so sweet charity

Dear Angel and Devil,

I have "Charity Muggers" -- aka Chuggers -- outside my work building most days.  You know, those overly cheerful people with bright t-shirts and clipboards wanting you to sign up to monthly payments to help blind crippled orphans or some such.  Normally I deal with them by politely saying 'no', but yesterday there were two of them and after I said no to the first one, the second one jumped out in front of me, blocking my way.  I'd had a long day, was tired and feeling quite flustered because this guy wouldn't get out of my way.  I ended up telling the chugger to 'F*** off!' I've never told anyone to f*** off before and would like some tips on how to better deal with this situation in future.

Sincerely, Charity Mugged.

Angel:

Dear Mugged,

Charity Muggers, or 'Chuggers', are truly a menace to our modern society.  I think that they prey on peoples' natural instincts to help others in need, but do so by trying to make you feel guilty if you don't support their particular cause.  And its especially galling that they won't accept one-off donations, they only want to sign you up for $40 per month or whatever; and that a fair chunk of your donation goes towards paying the commission of that same Chugger.

In general, I recommend using the 'Super Nanny' approach (remember her?):  reward good behaviour, ignore the bad.  So, never ever give money to a charity that endorses clipboard-bashing tactics.  Instead, give your charity dollar to those who don't use these tactics; the Salvos spring to mind.  If everyone did this, then charities would learn that chugging is not profitable, and the practice would disappear.

For your specific situation, I'm guessing that you reacted in this way because you felt threatened.  What this guy did is a kind of assault.  You need to turn this around - you shouldn't be afraid of these people.  So next time a chugger does this to you, stand your ground.  Ask for the chugger's details, and report them to their employer.  That will teach them!

Love, Angel.

Devil:

Greetings Mugged,

Firstly:  AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa

I can't believe those guys aren't inventions of mine!  Brilliant stuff.  They lay on the guilt and get you to fork over cash which is mostly to pay their salary... how is that not devilish? 

But seriously, the situation you described does sound like they meant to intimidate you which is really up there on my evil-o-metre.  I'm pretty sure I'll be seeing those guys at some point in future.  So...what can you do if this happens again?  Fortunately there are many, many options.  

1)  If you're caught unawares and not prepared to enact any of my other solutions, all you need to do is scream.  If you recover enough, add in a 'how dare you touch me' whilst still flipping out a bit.  This will draw some seriously unwanted attention to the chuggers and make it incredibly unlikely they'll chug outside your work place again.

2) Carry a bottle of that squeezy mayonnaise with you.  Make sure it's use by date has passed.  If confronted by charity muggers, unleash the squeezy mayonnaise.  Aim for their faces...and groins.  haha

3)  Call the cops.  (or even pretend to -- it's not like these losers are going to know the difference)  Just say "police" as you would when you're asked which emergency service you want and when the officer answers the phone say "I'm being detained against my will".  Just watch how fast they move

4) Carry a bottle of chocolate topping (the squeezy variety will serve you well here) If you see charity muggers from afar...cover your right hand with chocolate topping.  when approached (and you're really going to want to be approached) wipe your hand on their t-shirt thoroughly.  Then say casually "man, I've got such bad diarrhoea."

Chug-chug-a-lug!

-D.

Decibel Dilemma

Hi angel and devil,

I’m in my final year of study at Uni and I live on campus.  My next door neighbour, 'Liz', is loud.  Particularly when she’s picked up some guy which happens about 4 times a week – and I don’t care, that’s fine, except she’s LOUD!—and is ‘loud’ into the early hours.  At other times she listens to her stereo or TV...also on LOUD.  And it’s usually some music that’s heavy on the sub-woofer to the point where it shakes the light fittings in my room.  When she returns home, she leaves her car idling in the car park, with the stereo up full ball and the vibrations from her suped up car rattles my window pane from 4 floors up.  She doesn’t have a neighbour on the other side of her room, so no one else knows my pain. 

I’ve asked her many times to be considerate, and the residential advisor has also told her to be quiet.  This lasts about 3 days and then restarts.  I’m worried the RA thinks I’m a whinger or over reacting.  I’ve put in an application to transfer to a different room but the wait list is huge and I can’t afford to live off campus.

Please help me.  I’m going insane here.

Sincerely,

Silence is Stolen

Devil:

Hi there Silence,

Wow...that is some red hot crap you're dealing with there.  It's inspiring (for me, anyway) I'm thinking of using that scenario next time I'm on the 3rd circle...anyway...I'm here to uh..help I suppose.

Well then.  What to do...?

There are many things you can do here, but if you can secure your own band of ninjas, that’d help your cause.

Operation 1:  Smelly

I’m assuming ‘Liz’ has to do laundry at some point right?  When Liz next goes to the laundry, figure out which dryer she’s using.  Get your ninjas to cause a distraction (it’s uni, so just get someone to shout “free beer”).  Open her dryer and find the socks.  Empty as many cans of tuna into as many socks as you can -- and tie the ends.  If there aren’t any socks, find a sturdy t-shirt and do the same.  Repeat as necessary. 

Operation 2:  love struck

Assume the identity of someone she’s slept with and has discarded.  Leave Liz a cow’s heart in a box with a note that says “you broke my heart” on it.  Might disturb her enough to consider who she takes home, and how often.

Operation 3:  entertain me

She has a car...and a suped up car you say...?  Well, well, well...

Gather ye ninjas and get as much margarine and popcorn seeds as you can get your mits on.  Go on a night mission (ninjas are always prepared for a night mission, you won’t need to tell them to prepare).  Get ninjas to spread as much margarine as possible all over the car.  Ensure the door handles are fully caked up and smear as much as you can on all the windows and the wing mirrors, headlights and in general on the front of the car.  (This will mean maximum bug collection when driving.)  When your done with the marge, sprinkle popcorn seeds as you will.  If it’s hot the next day, Liz might get some free popcorn! 

The beauty part about this is, a car wash just won’t cut it.  You need hot water from my part of town to get the margarine off.

Hope your operation/s are a success!

-D.

Angel:

Dear Silence,

Inconsiderate neighbours can really make your life a living hell, can't they?  It's disappointing that the Residential Advisor hasn't been able to solve the problem, and I hear what you're saying about not wanting to look like you're being difficult.

Since you say it's not really an option for you to move out, we have to look at ways of resolving the problems on campus.

First up I think you need to gather hard evidence.  This will show people that you’re not just a whinger.  So, you could get your phone out and video record the noise from Liz’s room and your light fittings shaking from it.

Also, keep an anal retentive style diary of every time the noise is too loud.  This might be annoying to do, but it’s practical.  Another annoying, yet practical piece of advice:  Track down whatever the rules for living on your campus are.  There are probably rules about acceptable noise levels.

Present your evidence to the RA – use power point presentation if necessary.  If your RA doesn’t think it’s a problem, ask if they would be ok with swapping rooms.  If this is not to the taste of the RA, advise they have two weeks to figure it out or you’re going to go to their boss, their bosses boss and probably some trashy current affairs program.

If this doesn’t work...see advice above.

Love, Angel