Oedipus Next

Dear Angel & Devil, 

A quandary if you will:  I love my new boyfriend to death (not quite literally but close at times) but his mother is driving me insane!  She only has boys.  All of them are in their thirties and she hasn't yet cut the apron strings.  She does their washing, ironing, picks up packages and even cuts their hair.  She's a nice enough lady but she's also over protective and when I'm around her, I feel like can never do anything right!  I think she feels threatened by me but she has no need to be - I don't want to do my boyfriend's washing and ironing and I'm sure she doesn’t want to share his bed! (well here's hoping!!!)  What should I do?

 

Love Mama's boy's girl.

  

ANGEL

Dear MBG,

What's with these women?  I had always thought that the purpose of parenting is to prepare your children for the big wide world, and equip them to one day be able to survive without you.  This means teaching them skills like how to wipe your own bottom, tie your shoelaces, and operate a washing machine.  I sometimes wonder whether women who treat their grown sons like little boys are in some way trying to maintain control over them.

I think that might be what's going on here, and that's why you're picking up a vibe that BF's mother feels threatened by you - you're challenging her 'control' of her son.  I wish I could give you a quick fix here, but you're dealing with 30+ years of Mama's Boy Indoctrination.  Maybe as time goes on, she'll see you as less of a threat.  But maybe, she'll become the Mother-in-Law from hell.  Something to think about.

Something else to think about:  you say you don't want to do your boyfriend's washing and ironing, but what happens if you guys move in together?  Are you going to have to train him to do basic domestic tasks, or is he going to expect you to do these things for him?

So, I reckon the mother is a lost cause, but there's still hope for the son.  Encourage him to move out of home, stand on his own feet, and domesticate himself.  Problem (mostly) solved!

Love Angel.

DEVIL

Yo mama's boy's girl,

First of all I gotta tell you, going out with a boy who lets his mother do his washing for him is not a good sign at all.  What a lazy SOB.  I think you should seriously consider punishing him by making him do all of your ironing etc to make up for the ironing he hasn't had to do all this time.  (If he winds up in hell, i know what he'll be doing for eternity...hehe)

So I thought long and hard about this and you only have one option:  Destruction.

Operation Destruction:
So...Boyfriends mother thinks you can't do anything right?  Well, stop trying!  Why would you want this deranged washerwoman to like you anyway?

If there's anything I like better than sabotaging a steam iron, it's washing machine sabotage.  Also, dryer and clothes line sabotage are pretty fun too.

#1  Iron sabotage
All steam irons require water, right?  empty the iron of water and replace with any non standard kitchen liquid.  Now I haven't tried any of the following, but I'm pretty sure you'd ruin both clothes and iron if the following were emptied into the water chamber of a steam iron:
- BBQ sauce
- vodka (what a waste - but may have added benefit of catching on fire)
- olive oil
- red wine
- honey

#2  Washing machine sabotage
The sabotage will depend on the type of detergent used.  For washing powder, empty half the contents of washing powder into the bin and replace with cornflour.  For liquid detergent, empty half the contents and replace with treacle. 

If you have access to the washing machine after a load has finished, empty some super glue into the load.  Laughter guaranteed!

#3  Washing line sabotage
Crazy glue pegs either to themselves or to the washing line.  Nothing could be simpler.  Or, saw through washing line till it's on it's last threads (this could be difficult for those contending with a wire washing line, but with a bit of creativity and some bulk cutters, all will be well.)  The weight of the washing will snap the line and all those cornfloured and glued clothes will need to be re-washed after falling in the dirt.  Aw.

#4  Dryer sabotage
Put a metric butt load of dry sand, dirt, wall paper glue powder and glitter into the dryer before a load goes in.  Again, I'm not sure what will happen here, but I'm certain it will be funny!

Happy sabotaging

-D.

Run to the Hills

Dear Angel and Devil,

I just got my first job after high school and it's in a call centre.  It's pretty draining work, but I love the atmosphere and my colleagues are loads of fun.  Well, maybe except for one.  "Natalie" is one of those older mother type women who is dedicated to her job and whatever and lovely to customers and to me and everyone else...except she's got some really strange, and sort of icky habits.  I don't know where to start, but I suppose I noticed things were odd about Natalie when I was eating lunch in the staff room.  Being a larger lady, she has a larger appetite... But I saw her polish off a whole BBQ chicken...and then drink the juices out of the bag.  She doesn't wear a bra either and I don't think she washes her clothes or hair with any frequency.  I saw her picking her nose and eating it at her desk and she puts customers on mute to huck loogies into her bin.  Other colleagues have noticed these things also and talk about her behind her back saying things like she's the way she is because she's from the mountains and comes down from the hills every morning to come to work.  Natalie really is a very nice person, except for the gross things she does.  My question is:  Should I tell her people are talking behind her back about her personal hygiene and general weirdness, or just let her be?

Sincerely

Not from the Hills



Angel

Dear Not-From-the-Hills,

I feel so sorry for this motherly-but-eccentric colleague, but I also feel sorry for those working within ear shot of her loogie-hucking ways.

Clearly some of Natalie's behaviour is anti-social, and is affecting her relationships with co-workers.  If this is your concern, you shouldn't talk to her about it, but rather, bring it up with your supervisor.  If you do this, you need to separate her anti-social behaviour from her eccentricities.  So for example, I don't think you should raise the fact that she doesn't wear a bra, or drinks chicken juice. 

Before you approach your supervisor, you should also consider that they are likely already aware of Natalie's behaviour, and you might look intolerant or bitchy for raising it.

And, you should also have a think about whether your supervisor is going to be able to change Natalie's behaviour.  If not, is it really worth bringing it up?

In the meantime, I'd suggest focusing on Natalie's good qualities - you say she's motherly and really nice - and every time you hear a colleague bitching about her, maybe you could mention these qualities, and encourage your colleagues to be a little tolerant.

I realise I'm saying this from my 'fluffy white cloud', and it must be much harder to put up with when you're stuck in a cubicle taking calls from irate customers.  But I still think that ultimately, Natalie is not going to change, so my advice is to 'let her be'.

Love,

Angel


Devil

Hi-de-ho, Not from the Hills,

Your problem is perplexing indeed.  My initial reaction was that this Natalie might be an actual Troll.  The nose picking, logie hucking, chicken juice drinking and lack of hygiene all point in that general direction...but the notion this grot was from the mountains really cemented the Troll thing in my mind.  But then I thought 'but she's able to hold a conversation and be nice to people'.  And these are things Trolls cannot do.  Perhaps she is part Troll? 

But what to do?

In my mind you have a few options...

#1  Tell the truth

Go at it.  Tell the woman all her faults and failings.  Write a list even, and tick each one off as you go.  Hey, while you're on the truth bender, why not take it a step further and give Natalie a leaflet for a fake 'Troll Support Group'?  You could cover the leaflet with things like "Do you harvest your nose like an orchard and eat it like so much forbidden fruit?  Do you drink chicken juice and let it dribble down your chin?  Is washing your clothes a bridge too far?  We can help you get out from under that bridge at Troll Support!"

#2  Passive Aggressive
If you're not one for confrontation and are too chicken (haha) to tell the truth, then a barrage of notes is the way to go.  Everyone loves a passive aggressive note or ten in the office!  My suggestion is to start at her desk with a sticky note about loogie hucking and nose picking.  You could buy her a box of tissues or a handkerchief (but I do NOT recommend the latter, those things are straight from hell anyway and if she can't wash her clothes regularly then a handkerchief is just going to become a whole world of gross!) and stick the note on the nice gifty.  It should say "these are for nose leavings", and hey if you have the time, mock up an instructional leaflet for nose blowing.

Perhaps a sticky note on her bin saying "No loogies" would also be of use.  In the ladies bathroom, pop a post it up saying "I shampoo...do you?" You could put another note in the staff room saying "No drinking chicken juice in this room."  You might need to put these notes up in every other room in the building too.  A big note on the front door saying "have you WASHED today?...If not, please go home and do so."  If this doesn't draw her attention to her shortcomings, it will certainly draw everyone elses attention to her shortcomings.  Win win as far as I can see.

#3  Distance
Get a different job.  Do you know what the 1st circle of hell is made up of?  Call centres.  That's right.  You're actually living hell for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week.  You sure you want to be doing that?  Remove yourself from the environment and you won't have to deal with the problem.  Or anybody elses for that matter. 

So there's my advice.  Take it or leave it!

-D.  

The Wrath of Dog

Dear Angel and Devil,

My partner and I have some good friends who have two dogs. They recently brought the dogs over for a dinner party and a "play date" with our dogs. Unfortunately their dogs proceeded to pee, shit and vomit in almost every room of the house. Seriously - there was something disgusting coming out of every orifice these dogs have. We did our best to be calm about it at the time, but there were messes on our light grey carpet. Now our friends want to come over again - and they want to bring their dogs again. They say the dogs are their "children" and they don't want to leave them at home. What can I tell them without offending them?

Thanks,

Sickened

Angel

Dear Sickened,

How horrible that your friends repay your hospitality by having their dogs discharge from every orifice all over your house!  Did they offer to clean up the mess, or pay for steam cleaning the carpet?  If I was a betting Angel, I'd put money on 'no'.

I'm sure your dogs are well trained, because you've taught them about boundaries and acceptable behaviour.  Not only have your friends failed to teach their dogs this, but it sounds like they need behaviour lessons themselves.

I think you need to be firm about boundaries.  Make it clear that both your friends and their dogs are welcome, but the dogs stay outside.  If that is too much of a separation for your friends and their 'children', suggest meeting in a neutral place, like a dog-friendly park, where you could all have a picnic.  Or better still, let your friends play host...although I dread to think what their house looks like!

Requesting the dogs stay outside or stay at home is not unreasonable, and considering what happened last time, your friends should be happy to accommodate your request.  Your home is something you should feel proud of – it should not be treated like a toilet.  If your friends are less than enthusiastic to leave the dogs outside, perhaps you should consider if these people are your friends at all?

Yours in discipline,

Love, Angel.

Devil

Wooaaah there Sickened...Woah!

Wow. 

Just...Wow.  Both dogs did the big 3?  In your house?  More than once?  And you didn't eject them and their sorry excuses for owners right away?  The owners weren't mortified or sorry at all?  They want to bring their dogs BACK to your house and go for round two of the great dog stomach, bladder and bowel evacuation spectacular?

Ahahahaha....Oh man.

Sickened...I'm pretty sure you're dealing with hell hounds and I'm pretty sure your "friends" are possessed by demons.  There's a chance they might be normal dogs with 'non-possessed' owners who are just genuinely shitty human beings, but there's also a pretty good chance I know what I'm talking about.

I think these fugitive demons are trying to assimilate into society...which, if I'm right means they really have no idea what human behaviour is all about.  There are some ways to flush this shit out (haha) without causing any problems.  (Unless they're not demons -- in which case it'll just be hilarious.  So, you win either way as far as I can see.)

Demon trial #1:  Taste

Demons have no sense of taste or appreciation of food.  Invite the happy couple around for pies.  Make normal pies for you, and dog food pies for them.  If they eat and say it's delicious...They're demons.  (If not...you've just got the suckers to eat dog food!  Ahahahaha)

Demon trial #2:  Smell  (A loyal and daring friend or ninja could really help with this operation)

Demons have anosmia.  (No sense of smell -- it's how they can deal with the sulphur fumes of hell).  When you have them around for dog food pies, get your loyal friend to climb their roof and dump prawn heads down the fan vent for the bathroom and kitchen.  If they're demons, they won't notice and soon enough they'll start to smell like rotten fish...If they're not demons...Well... their whole house will smell of rotten fish and it'll take them ages to figure out where the smell's from and how to get rid of it!  (And hopefully fetid prawn juice drips on them in the shower!  Ahahahaha!)

Demon trial #3:  Sound

Demons go insane and their eyes melt when exposed to the bagpipes.  What can I say? get bagpipin'.  If you do and they go insane...I'll be around to pick them and the dogs up shortly.  If not...well, hey.  You've fed two socially inept cretins some dog food, popped seafood in their air vents and made them listen to frickin' bag pipes...plus you've probably acted incredibly weird around them because you think they're possessed by demons.  Ahahahaha!!!  But seriously...I don't think they'll be coming back. 


Ciao for now!

-D.

 

 

Bathroom of Doom

Hi Angel and Devil,


I'm new to sharehousing, so I don't know all the etiquette. I really like my flatmate Andy, but we seem to have a problem with the bathroom, and I'd like your opinion about it.


Andy's girlfriend Fiona practically lives with us, staying over 5-6 nights a week. When it comes to the bathroom, they often have showers together (if you know what I mean). Using the shower after them really grosses me out, so I shower at the gym most mornings.


Yesterday Andy emailed me, saying I wasn't doing a good enough job of cleaning the bathroom. I think this is unfair, because I do clean the bathroom (even though I hardly ever use the shower), and while Fiona certainly contributes to the mess, she never helps with cleaning.


What should I do?


Bathroom Blues.

Angel

Dear Bathroom Blues,


Oh the joys of sharehousing! It's amazing how irritating other peoples' habits can be when you have to deal with them in close quarters.


Since you're new to sharehousing, my general advice on house-hunting is to find out whether you'll have any 'unofficial' housemates, and to check why the departing housemate left - it may be that they couldn't stand the living arrangements. I'm also not keen on housemates sending passive-aggressive emails rather than actually talking, so please avoid turning this into an email war with Andy.


As for the bathroom, I can't see that bringing up the 'showering together' issue going to work for you. If Andy and Fiona are cool with having sex in shared spaces, then they're going to think you're very *uncool* for being against it. Instead, I'd suggest keeping a can of disinfectant spray handy - it'll take you 5 seconds to disinfect the shower without having a conversation that would damage your relationship with Andy.


Also, the reason why housemates fight about cleaning is because everyone has different 'Filth Tolerance Levels' (or FTLs if you will). If you can afford it, the best way to deal with this is to hire a cleaner - it solves most arguments. If not, then you and Andy need to talk about your FTLs regarding the bathroom, and perhaps draw up a cleaning roster.


And while cleaning the bathroom may be the bane of your mortal existence, keep in mind that if you make it to heaven, you'll have self-cleaning bathrooms for the rest of eternity.


Love Angel.




Devil


Buon giorno Bathroom Blues,

Wow, I actually have to hand it to Angel, that was a pretty nice response...


But eh... it's not what I'd do.


The way I see it, you have two problems.  Firstly: The girlfriend.   Secondly:  They're having sex in the bathroom you share and are expecting you to clean it up after them.  Ugh!  Vomit-town!


With the latter problem, I don't think a can of disinfectant will do it.  Disinfectant isn't going to remove any mental image you might get when you're next in there.  Also, you say you "really like" Andy, but how can you like someone who is so blatantly inconsiderate and can't even confront you with his problems? 


There are a couple of options here -- like move out, or whatever, but if you want to stand your ground...Here's what you should do:


Operation:  Get rid of girlfriend (this may have the added bonus of getting rid of Andy too!)


Considering you barely ever use the bathroom, the bathroom should be the battle ground.  Empty half of Fiona's/Andy's shampoo and conditioner bottles down the drain.  Replace the missing half with one or more of the following:
* Several lightly beaten eggs.  Sure it'll smell bad, but maybe they won't notice till it's too late?
* Cement powder.  Hilarious once set!
* Honey and or Maple syrup.  If you get ants or 'roaches in your house, their hair may turn into a nesting place!
* Mud.  Who wants clean hair anyway?
* Blue food dye...and lots of it.  At worst, their hand turns blue...at best, it's whole body blue!  Win-win!
* Cottage Cheese.  Just because I couldn't think of anything more disgusting to come out of a shampoo bottle!
Rinse and repeat!!


Operation:  Embarrass


Email that little shit back and say you'd rather not even use that bathroom because he and his girlfriend defile it on such a regular basis.  Suggest he cleans it after each shower and with a metric shit load of bleach.  Advise that you will be going in there with a black light (which will show up anything unmentionable) to check if he's been clean enough.  If he's not happy with this arrangement, tell him he's just got to stop with the sex in the bathroom. 


Devilish regards,


-D.