Dear Angel and Devil,
My partner and I have some good friends who have two dogs. They recently brought the dogs over for a dinner party and a "play date" with our dogs. Unfortunately their dogs proceeded to pee, shit and vomit in almost every room of the house. Seriously - there was something disgusting coming out of every orifice these dogs have. We did our best to be calm about it at the time, but there were messes on our light grey carpet. Now our friends want to come over again - and they want to bring their dogs again. They say the dogs are their "children" and they don't want to leave them at home. What can I tell them without offending them?
Thanks,
My partner and I have some good friends who have two dogs. They recently brought the dogs over for a dinner party and a "play date" with our dogs. Unfortunately their dogs proceeded to pee, shit and vomit in almost every room of the house. Seriously - there was something disgusting coming out of every orifice these dogs have. We did our best to be calm about it at the time, but there were messes on our light grey carpet. Now our friends want to come over again - and they want to bring their dogs again. They say the dogs are their "children" and they don't want to leave them at home. What can I tell them without offending them?
Thanks,
Sickened
Angel
Dear Sickened,
How horrible that your friends repay your hospitality by having their dogs discharge from every orifice all over your house! Did they offer to clean up the mess, or pay for steam cleaning the carpet? If I was a betting Angel, I'd put money on 'no'.
I'm sure your dogs are well trained, because you've taught them about boundaries and acceptable behaviour. Not only have your friends failed to teach their dogs this, but it sounds like they need behaviour lessons themselves.
I think you need to be firm about boundaries. Make it clear that both your friends and their dogs are welcome, but the dogs stay outside. If that is too much of a separation for your friends and their 'children', suggest meeting in a neutral place, like a dog-friendly park, where you could all have a picnic. Or better still, let your friends play host...although I dread to think what their house looks like!
Requesting the dogs stay outside or stay at home is not unreasonable, and considering what happened last time, your friends should be happy to accommodate your request. Your home is something you should feel proud of – it should not be treated like a toilet. If your friends are less than enthusiastic to leave the dogs outside, perhaps you should consider if these people are your friends at all?
Yours in discipline,
Love, Angel.
Devil
Wooaaah there Sickened...Woah!
Wow.
Just...Wow. Both dogs did the big 3? In your house? More than once? And you didn't eject them and their sorry excuses for owners right away? The owners weren't mortified or sorry at all? They want to bring their dogs BACK to your house and go for round two of the great dog stomach, bladder and bowel evacuation spectacular?
Ahahahaha....Oh man.
Sickened...I'm pretty sure you're dealing with hell hounds and I'm pretty sure your "friends" are possessed by demons. There's a chance they might be normal dogs with 'non-possessed' owners who are just genuinely shitty human beings, but there's also a pretty good chance I know what I'm talking about.
I think these fugitive demons are trying to assimilate into society...which, if I'm right means they really have no idea what human behaviour is all about. There are some ways to flush this shit out (haha) without causing any problems. (Unless they're not demons -- in which case it'll just be hilarious. So, you win either way as far as I can see.)
Demon trial #1: Taste
Demons have no sense of taste or appreciation of food. Invite the happy couple around for pies. Make normal pies for you, and dog food pies for them. If they eat and say it's delicious...They're demons. (If not...you've just got the suckers to eat dog food! Ahahahaha)
Demon trial #2: Smell (A loyal and daring friend or ninja could really help with this operation)
Demons have anosmia. (No sense of smell -- it's how they can deal with the sulphur fumes of hell). When you have them around for dog food pies, get your loyal friend to climb their roof and dump prawn heads down the fan vent for the bathroom and kitchen. If they're demons, they won't notice and soon enough they'll start to smell like rotten fish...If they're not demons...Well... their whole house will smell of rotten fish and it'll take them ages to figure out where the smell's from and how to get rid of it! (And hopefully fetid prawn juice drips on them in the shower! Ahahahaha!)
Demon trial #3: Sound
Demons go insane and their eyes melt when exposed to the bagpipes. What can I say? get bagpipin'. If you do and they go insane...I'll be around to pick them and the dogs up shortly. If not...well, hey. You've fed two socially inept cretins some dog food, popped seafood in their air vents and made them listen to frickin' bag pipes...plus you've probably acted incredibly weird around them because you think they're possessed by demons. Ahahahaha!!! But seriously...I don't think they'll be coming back.
Ciao for now!
-D.
Wow.
Just...Wow. Both dogs did the big 3? In your house? More than once? And you didn't eject them and their sorry excuses for owners right away? The owners weren't mortified or sorry at all? They want to bring their dogs BACK to your house and go for round two of the great dog stomach, bladder and bowel evacuation spectacular?
Ahahahaha....Oh man.
Sickened...I'm pretty sure you're dealing with hell hounds and I'm pretty sure your "friends" are possessed by demons. There's a chance they might be normal dogs with 'non-possessed' owners who are just genuinely shitty human beings, but there's also a pretty good chance I know what I'm talking about.
I think these fugitive demons are trying to assimilate into society...which, if I'm right means they really have no idea what human behaviour is all about. There are some ways to flush this shit out (haha) without causing any problems. (Unless they're not demons -- in which case it'll just be hilarious. So, you win either way as far as I can see.)
Demon trial #1: Taste
Demons have no sense of taste or appreciation of food. Invite the happy couple around for pies. Make normal pies for you, and dog food pies for them. If they eat and say it's delicious...They're demons. (If not...you've just got the suckers to eat dog food! Ahahahaha)
Demon trial #2: Smell (A loyal and daring friend or ninja could really help with this operation)
Demons have anosmia. (No sense of smell -- it's how they can deal with the sulphur fumes of hell). When you have them around for dog food pies, get your loyal friend to climb their roof and dump prawn heads down the fan vent for the bathroom and kitchen. If they're demons, they won't notice and soon enough they'll start to smell like rotten fish...If they're not demons...Well... their whole house will smell of rotten fish and it'll take them ages to figure out where the smell's from and how to get rid of it! (And hopefully fetid prawn juice drips on them in the shower! Ahahahaha!)
Demon trial #3: Sound
Demons go insane and their eyes melt when exposed to the bagpipes. What can I say? get bagpipin'. If you do and they go insane...I'll be around to pick them and the dogs up shortly. If not...well, hey. You've fed two socially inept cretins some dog food, popped seafood in their air vents and made them listen to frickin' bag pipes...plus you've probably acted incredibly weird around them because you think they're possessed by demons. Ahahahaha!!! But seriously...I don't think they'll be coming back.
Ciao for now!
-D.
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