Death Breath

Hey Angel and Devil,
My boss is lovely, he really is.  But he's a bit of a close talker (which is fine, I have no personal space issues) however he always has the most heinous bad breath.  I think he must eat an entire garlic bulb on a daily basis, and on it's own garlic breath is pretty bad.  However, coupled with coffee breath it's almost too much to bare.  I am forced to try and hold my breath while he gives instructions and do my best to not pull faces or vomit.  How do I get him to... I don't know, eat a mint or something?
Thanks,
Nose Pegged.

Angel

Dear Nose Pegged,

Something I try to remember when someone's personal habits are driving me craaa-zy is that I probably have an equally annoying or aggravating habit.  When it comes to bad breath, we've all had it at one time or another - and it can be hard to tell whether you're the person wilting the flowers.

Nevertheless, I understand copping a noseful of someone else's Death Breath can be gag-worthy.  But this guy's your boss.  I think it would fall into the category of 'Career Limiting Move' to tell him about his halitosis.

So what to do?  Well, you say you have no problems with personal space; maybe now is the time to develop some.  Take a tiny step backwards or lean away when he close-talks, this could take the edge off the stink.

If that doesn't work, you could keep a jar of mints near your desk.  When your boss comes over, you could have one, and then offer some to him.  That way,you're offering to share your mints, rather than making a pointed comment about his cat-breath.

But most importantly, remember that there are plenty of people out there who'd willingly trade their horrible bosses for your lovely-but-smelly one.  If he's a nice guy, you're really very lucky.

Love,
Angel. 

Devil


Shalom Nose Peg,

You have a nice yet stinky boss.  I'm gonna ignore the nice part.  Death breath is a bit of a curse...but garlic breath so bad you think he's eating whole garlic bulbs in a day?  Not just a clove?  This sounds like there are some underlying problems.

First you need to ascertain how he's managing to ingest so much garlic.  Can you see him mung on a clove or two for a snack?  Does he chew a clove instead of gum?  I'm thinking no.  Either he goes home and eats a clove of garlic for dinner or breakfast or he's actually a paranoid mental case Twihard.  The paranoia is probably coming from the coffee.

If it's the former you can leave a mega box of breath mints on his desk as a not so subtle hint.  Your colleagues will love you for it.

If it's the latter, I fear there is no hope.  Caffeine from all his coffee mixed with all that garlic causes mind altering heartburn which will unfortunately render your boss powerless to the thrall of poorly written books with no plot or character development. 

But, he's still your boss and has breath that can kill butterflies and baby bunnies...So what to do?

1)  I'm quite partial to fighting fire with fire (or stench with stench as the case may be).  Take up smoking.  Make sure you breathe all over him just after a ciggarette or hey, why not a cigar?  They're far more pungent.  Also, don't bathe for a while.  Wear an unwashed shirt and pop your hands behind your head on his approach with your odorous underarms facing his nose. 

2)  You say his breath makes you want to gag?  Well, go on and do it.  Vomit some every time he comes close enough to pollute your nostrils.  Go projectile, and he'll never forget it.

3)  Nothing says 'subtle' like a gas mask.  I bet you'll start a brand new trend at the office!

4)  Get some 'toxic hazard' tape and cordon off his desk (after he's sat down at it.)  While you're at it, decorate his desk with some 'noxious' or 'poison' gasses signs and some good ole' skull and crossbones flags. 

5)  If a colleague leaves their computer unlocked, hijack said colleague's email and tell the boss how much his breath stinks.  Preferably do this to a colleague you don't like.

If this doesn't stop the problem, then I'm afraid it's nose plugs for you!

-D.