I've got a workplace dilemma for you. I really like my job, and my colleagues - but it seems that everyone who goes on maternity leave feels the need to bring their squawking baby into the office. Now, I love babies, but not at work, where I'm trying to do my job. It's driving me crazy, with the noise the babies make, and the noise my colleagues make cooing and babytalking around them. How should I respond?
Sincerely,
Baby One More Time.
Devil Response:
Ahoy there Britney worshipper, I gotta special place in hell for you! hahahahaha...aaanyway....
So, your workmates keep bringing their squawking babies into the office and it drives you crazy? What to do, what to do?
Well, I can't say I can empathise here. None of the little snot bags ever turn up in my office. Although I do play recordings of their odious screeches when I'm punishing hitler....yes, I suppose it is annoying.
You have a couple of options as far as I can see it.
Firstly, you could emotionally blackmail these inconsiderate women. Depends on how much you want karma or providence to kick at you later, but if you don't believe in that sort of thing, then I say go ahead and tell them that it upsets you when they bring their children in because you're medically unable to have your own.
If my first advice isn't to your liking, I suggest screaming randomly at these women (or their friends who invite them in) and say "well, you know I find it difficult to work with screaming too"
Thirdly you could go around the office with a hundred copies of a baby picture with one of those big red circles around it with an oblique line through it. Nothing says "NO" like one of those circles with the oblique lines. Pop those pics up all over the office. See what happens. At the very least it should spark debate on the appropriateness of babies in the office all the time.
Catchya later Britney fan! (really...I will catch you later)
Angel Response:
Dear BOMT, I hear what you're saying, I really do.
There are a few things to consider here:
1. Workplaces these days are under a lot more pressure to be 'family-friendly', you know what with paid maternity leave and this hilarious idea of 'work life balance'. This means bosses will be loathe to institute anti-baby policies; and
2. When people have babies, it causes some chemical imbalances in the brain - so your normal, hardworking, rational colleague becomes a gooey, baby-loving freak. The benefit of this chemical balance is that the parents unconditionally love their baby and are thus willing to clean up its poo and get up 5 times a night to feed it. The downside is that they completely lose perspective of the fact that no one else feels this way about the baby.
But most importantly, society LOVES innocent little babies. That is why, throughout history, if people are fighting a war, they always spread propaganda that the enemy hates babies, kills babies, roasts babies on spits and eats them etc etc. Because there's nothing worse than that!
So if you kick up a fuss about this, you risk turning into an Enemy Baby Hater, with your colleagues spreading evil rumours about your baby-hating habits.
As such, my recommendation is to use these baby-visiting times as your coffee breaks. Hey, if your colleagues aren't doing any work because they're fawning over someone's spawn, why should you have to work?
Happy bludging,
Love, Angel.
