Not so sweet charity

Dear Angel and Devil,

I have "Charity Muggers" -- aka Chuggers -- outside my work building most days.  You know, those overly cheerful people with bright t-shirts and clipboards wanting you to sign up to monthly payments to help blind crippled orphans or some such.  Normally I deal with them by politely saying 'no', but yesterday there were two of them and after I said no to the first one, the second one jumped out in front of me, blocking my way.  I'd had a long day, was tired and feeling quite flustered because this guy wouldn't get out of my way.  I ended up telling the chugger to 'F*** off!' I've never told anyone to f*** off before and would like some tips on how to better deal with this situation in future.

Sincerely, Charity Mugged.

Angel:

Dear Mugged,

Charity Muggers, or 'Chuggers', are truly a menace to our modern society.  I think that they prey on peoples' natural instincts to help others in need, but do so by trying to make you feel guilty if you don't support their particular cause.  And its especially galling that they won't accept one-off donations, they only want to sign you up for $40 per month or whatever; and that a fair chunk of your donation goes towards paying the commission of that same Chugger.

In general, I recommend using the 'Super Nanny' approach (remember her?):  reward good behaviour, ignore the bad.  So, never ever give money to a charity that endorses clipboard-bashing tactics.  Instead, give your charity dollar to those who don't use these tactics; the Salvos spring to mind.  If everyone did this, then charities would learn that chugging is not profitable, and the practice would disappear.

For your specific situation, I'm guessing that you reacted in this way because you felt threatened.  What this guy did is a kind of assault.  You need to turn this around - you shouldn't be afraid of these people.  So next time a chugger does this to you, stand your ground.  Ask for the chugger's details, and report them to their employer.  That will teach them!

Love, Angel.

Devil:

Greetings Mugged,

Firstly:  AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa

I can't believe those guys aren't inventions of mine!  Brilliant stuff.  They lay on the guilt and get you to fork over cash which is mostly to pay their salary... how is that not devilish? 

But seriously, the situation you described does sound like they meant to intimidate you which is really up there on my evil-o-metre.  I'm pretty sure I'll be seeing those guys at some point in future.  So...what can you do if this happens again?  Fortunately there are many, many options.  

1)  If you're caught unawares and not prepared to enact any of my other solutions, all you need to do is scream.  If you recover enough, add in a 'how dare you touch me' whilst still flipping out a bit.  This will draw some seriously unwanted attention to the chuggers and make it incredibly unlikely they'll chug outside your work place again.

2) Carry a bottle of that squeezy mayonnaise with you.  Make sure it's use by date has passed.  If confronted by charity muggers, unleash the squeezy mayonnaise.  Aim for their faces...and groins.  haha

3)  Call the cops.  (or even pretend to -- it's not like these losers are going to know the difference)  Just say "police" as you would when you're asked which emergency service you want and when the officer answers the phone say "I'm being detained against my will".  Just watch how fast they move

4) Carry a bottle of chocolate topping (the squeezy variety will serve you well here) If you see charity muggers from afar...cover your right hand with chocolate topping.  when approached (and you're really going to want to be approached) wipe your hand on their t-shirt thoroughly.  Then say casually "man, I've got such bad diarrhoea."

Chug-chug-a-lug!

-D.