Your Place or Mine...?

To A&D,

Looking for a practical answer and hoping you can help. My boyfriend and I both own our own units, mortgages, furniture and pets, we are considering moving in together but I am unsure of how this would work being he wants to live at his house and I want to live at mine. The are both centrally located to our jobs although my unit is closer to good restaurants, shops and night spots, his is quieter but has a bigger yard. We both live alone so housemates isn't an issue but I don't know how we'll ever come to an agreement about location and finances.

From

Don't want to get ripped off or sit on his tacky couch.



Angel


Dear Couch Hater,

Welcome to Planet Compromise! I actually think the main issue here is finances - you'll both need to be level headed about this, so if the worst happens, at least neither of you are arguing about money. This means figuring out how you'll each contribute to living expenses in a way that's 'fair' for both of you.

As for where you decide to live, I suggest that you and your boyfriend each write lists of pros and cons for living in your place and living in his place. It might be easier to compromise than you think.

Alternatively....you could move into a place that you can both agree to, with each of you renting out your own places.

Hope this helps!

Love, Angel


Devil

Zdravzvyutye, Tacky Couch Loather,

Oh have a cry would you? Sheesh! "poor me and my poor boyfriend who both own our own homes! wah wah wah!"

What a pansy arsed dilemma.

Alright, you need to sabotage his house. Lets start with the garden. I'm going to assume you both hate gardening.

Now, I don't know what kind of climate you live in, but bamboo is a pretty rad plant. And according to wikipedia, there are many varieties and bamboo can grow in pretty much any climate. Hell, I got me some bamboo down here! There's a type of bamboo that can grow a whole metre (that's 39 inches for you imperial f*ckers) in just one day. I recommend you get yourself some of that variety. Plant it. It'll be like jack and the magic bean stalk but without the giant, golden goose or anything to do with beans. At any rate, I'd like to see someone try and get the lawn mower on to that sh!t. And from my experience, bamboo is pretty difficult to get rid of once it takes hold. Problem solved!

...Unless boyfriend likes his new giant bamboo forest...In which case, you're kinda screwed.

So, you need to make him hate his house. Buy yourself some ant farms and release the blighters into the wild. And by 'wild' I mean, the house. He might get insect spray out and kill them, but what a shock when they keep coming back! Even after several trips from the exterminator! Oh, and don't just get an ordinary ant farm, get one that has big ants, and ones that bite. If you're not squeamish, you can also try this trick with cockroaches. And hey, you could even try and plant an infestation in that tacky couch of his. Two birds with one cockroach infestation. That's what I call efficiency.

But if you still can't convince him, I say withhold sex till he moves in with you. Or just dump him & enjoy the awesomeness of your own house.

enjoy!

-D.

Oedipus Next

Dear Angel & Devil, 

A quandary if you will:  I love my new boyfriend to death (not quite literally but close at times) but his mother is driving me insane!  She only has boys.  All of them are in their thirties and she hasn't yet cut the apron strings.  She does their washing, ironing, picks up packages and even cuts their hair.  She's a nice enough lady but she's also over protective and when I'm around her, I feel like can never do anything right!  I think she feels threatened by me but she has no need to be - I don't want to do my boyfriend's washing and ironing and I'm sure she doesn’t want to share his bed! (well here's hoping!!!)  What should I do?

 

Love Mama's boy's girl.

  

ANGEL

Dear MBG,

What's with these women?  I had always thought that the purpose of parenting is to prepare your children for the big wide world, and equip them to one day be able to survive without you.  This means teaching them skills like how to wipe your own bottom, tie your shoelaces, and operate a washing machine.  I sometimes wonder whether women who treat their grown sons like little boys are in some way trying to maintain control over them.

I think that might be what's going on here, and that's why you're picking up a vibe that BF's mother feels threatened by you - you're challenging her 'control' of her son.  I wish I could give you a quick fix here, but you're dealing with 30+ years of Mama's Boy Indoctrination.  Maybe as time goes on, she'll see you as less of a threat.  But maybe, she'll become the Mother-in-Law from hell.  Something to think about.

Something else to think about:  you say you don't want to do your boyfriend's washing and ironing, but what happens if you guys move in together?  Are you going to have to train him to do basic domestic tasks, or is he going to expect you to do these things for him?

So, I reckon the mother is a lost cause, but there's still hope for the son.  Encourage him to move out of home, stand on his own feet, and domesticate himself.  Problem (mostly) solved!

Love Angel.

DEVIL

Yo mama's boy's girl,

First of all I gotta tell you, going out with a boy who lets his mother do his washing for him is not a good sign at all.  What a lazy SOB.  I think you should seriously consider punishing him by making him do all of your ironing etc to make up for the ironing he hasn't had to do all this time.  (If he winds up in hell, i know what he'll be doing for eternity...hehe)

So I thought long and hard about this and you only have one option:  Destruction.

Operation Destruction:
So...Boyfriends mother thinks you can't do anything right?  Well, stop trying!  Why would you want this deranged washerwoman to like you anyway?

If there's anything I like better than sabotaging a steam iron, it's washing machine sabotage.  Also, dryer and clothes line sabotage are pretty fun too.

#1  Iron sabotage
All steam irons require water, right?  empty the iron of water and replace with any non standard kitchen liquid.  Now I haven't tried any of the following, but I'm pretty sure you'd ruin both clothes and iron if the following were emptied into the water chamber of a steam iron:
- BBQ sauce
- vodka (what a waste - but may have added benefit of catching on fire)
- olive oil
- red wine
- honey

#2  Washing machine sabotage
The sabotage will depend on the type of detergent used.  For washing powder, empty half the contents of washing powder into the bin and replace with cornflour.  For liquid detergent, empty half the contents and replace with treacle. 

If you have access to the washing machine after a load has finished, empty some super glue into the load.  Laughter guaranteed!

#3  Washing line sabotage
Crazy glue pegs either to themselves or to the washing line.  Nothing could be simpler.  Or, saw through washing line till it's on it's last threads (this could be difficult for those contending with a wire washing line, but with a bit of creativity and some bulk cutters, all will be well.)  The weight of the washing will snap the line and all those cornfloured and glued clothes will need to be re-washed after falling in the dirt.  Aw.

#4  Dryer sabotage
Put a metric butt load of dry sand, dirt, wall paper glue powder and glitter into the dryer before a load goes in.  Again, I'm not sure what will happen here, but I'm certain it will be funny!

Happy sabotaging

-D.

Run to the Hills

Dear Angel and Devil,

I just got my first job after high school and it's in a call centre.  It's pretty draining work, but I love the atmosphere and my colleagues are loads of fun.  Well, maybe except for one.  "Natalie" is one of those older mother type women who is dedicated to her job and whatever and lovely to customers and to me and everyone else...except she's got some really strange, and sort of icky habits.  I don't know where to start, but I suppose I noticed things were odd about Natalie when I was eating lunch in the staff room.  Being a larger lady, she has a larger appetite... But I saw her polish off a whole BBQ chicken...and then drink the juices out of the bag.  She doesn't wear a bra either and I don't think she washes her clothes or hair with any frequency.  I saw her picking her nose and eating it at her desk and she puts customers on mute to huck loogies into her bin.  Other colleagues have noticed these things also and talk about her behind her back saying things like she's the way she is because she's from the mountains and comes down from the hills every morning to come to work.  Natalie really is a very nice person, except for the gross things she does.  My question is:  Should I tell her people are talking behind her back about her personal hygiene and general weirdness, or just let her be?

Sincerely

Not from the Hills



Angel

Dear Not-From-the-Hills,

I feel so sorry for this motherly-but-eccentric colleague, but I also feel sorry for those working within ear shot of her loogie-hucking ways.

Clearly some of Natalie's behaviour is anti-social, and is affecting her relationships with co-workers.  If this is your concern, you shouldn't talk to her about it, but rather, bring it up with your supervisor.  If you do this, you need to separate her anti-social behaviour from her eccentricities.  So for example, I don't think you should raise the fact that she doesn't wear a bra, or drinks chicken juice. 

Before you approach your supervisor, you should also consider that they are likely already aware of Natalie's behaviour, and you might look intolerant or bitchy for raising it.

And, you should also have a think about whether your supervisor is going to be able to change Natalie's behaviour.  If not, is it really worth bringing it up?

In the meantime, I'd suggest focusing on Natalie's good qualities - you say she's motherly and really nice - and every time you hear a colleague bitching about her, maybe you could mention these qualities, and encourage your colleagues to be a little tolerant.

I realise I'm saying this from my 'fluffy white cloud', and it must be much harder to put up with when you're stuck in a cubicle taking calls from irate customers.  But I still think that ultimately, Natalie is not going to change, so my advice is to 'let her be'.

Love,

Angel


Devil

Hi-de-ho, Not from the Hills,

Your problem is perplexing indeed.  My initial reaction was that this Natalie might be an actual Troll.  The nose picking, logie hucking, chicken juice drinking and lack of hygiene all point in that general direction...but the notion this grot was from the mountains really cemented the Troll thing in my mind.  But then I thought 'but she's able to hold a conversation and be nice to people'.  And these are things Trolls cannot do.  Perhaps she is part Troll? 

But what to do?

In my mind you have a few options...

#1  Tell the truth

Go at it.  Tell the woman all her faults and failings.  Write a list even, and tick each one off as you go.  Hey, while you're on the truth bender, why not take it a step further and give Natalie a leaflet for a fake 'Troll Support Group'?  You could cover the leaflet with things like "Do you harvest your nose like an orchard and eat it like so much forbidden fruit?  Do you drink chicken juice and let it dribble down your chin?  Is washing your clothes a bridge too far?  We can help you get out from under that bridge at Troll Support!"

#2  Passive Aggressive
If you're not one for confrontation and are too chicken (haha) to tell the truth, then a barrage of notes is the way to go.  Everyone loves a passive aggressive note or ten in the office!  My suggestion is to start at her desk with a sticky note about loogie hucking and nose picking.  You could buy her a box of tissues or a handkerchief (but I do NOT recommend the latter, those things are straight from hell anyway and if she can't wash her clothes regularly then a handkerchief is just going to become a whole world of gross!) and stick the note on the nice gifty.  It should say "these are for nose leavings", and hey if you have the time, mock up an instructional leaflet for nose blowing.

Perhaps a sticky note on her bin saying "No loogies" would also be of use.  In the ladies bathroom, pop a post it up saying "I shampoo...do you?" You could put another note in the staff room saying "No drinking chicken juice in this room."  You might need to put these notes up in every other room in the building too.  A big note on the front door saying "have you WASHED today?...If not, please go home and do so."  If this doesn't draw her attention to her shortcomings, it will certainly draw everyone elses attention to her shortcomings.  Win win as far as I can see.

#3  Distance
Get a different job.  Do you know what the 1st circle of hell is made up of?  Call centres.  That's right.  You're actually living hell for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week.  You sure you want to be doing that?  Remove yourself from the environment and you won't have to deal with the problem.  Or anybody elses for that matter. 

So there's my advice.  Take it or leave it!

-D.