Death Breath

Hey Angel and Devil,
My boss is lovely, he really is.  But he's a bit of a close talker (which is fine, I have no personal space issues) however he always has the most heinous bad breath.  I think he must eat an entire garlic bulb on a daily basis, and on it's own garlic breath is pretty bad.  However, coupled with coffee breath it's almost too much to bare.  I am forced to try and hold my breath while he gives instructions and do my best to not pull faces or vomit.  How do I get him to... I don't know, eat a mint or something?
Thanks,
Nose Pegged.

Angel

Dear Nose Pegged,

Something I try to remember when someone's personal habits are driving me craaa-zy is that I probably have an equally annoying or aggravating habit.  When it comes to bad breath, we've all had it at one time or another - and it can be hard to tell whether you're the person wilting the flowers.

Nevertheless, I understand copping a noseful of someone else's Death Breath can be gag-worthy.  But this guy's your boss.  I think it would fall into the category of 'Career Limiting Move' to tell him about his halitosis.

So what to do?  Well, you say you have no problems with personal space; maybe now is the time to develop some.  Take a tiny step backwards or lean away when he close-talks, this could take the edge off the stink.

If that doesn't work, you could keep a jar of mints near your desk.  When your boss comes over, you could have one, and then offer some to him.  That way,you're offering to share your mints, rather than making a pointed comment about his cat-breath.

But most importantly, remember that there are plenty of people out there who'd willingly trade their horrible bosses for your lovely-but-smelly one.  If he's a nice guy, you're really very lucky.

Love,
Angel. 

Devil


Shalom Nose Peg,

You have a nice yet stinky boss.  I'm gonna ignore the nice part.  Death breath is a bit of a curse...but garlic breath so bad you think he's eating whole garlic bulbs in a day?  Not just a clove?  This sounds like there are some underlying problems.

First you need to ascertain how he's managing to ingest so much garlic.  Can you see him mung on a clove or two for a snack?  Does he chew a clove instead of gum?  I'm thinking no.  Either he goes home and eats a clove of garlic for dinner or breakfast or he's actually a paranoid mental case Twihard.  The paranoia is probably coming from the coffee.

If it's the former you can leave a mega box of breath mints on his desk as a not so subtle hint.  Your colleagues will love you for it.

If it's the latter, I fear there is no hope.  Caffeine from all his coffee mixed with all that garlic causes mind altering heartburn which will unfortunately render your boss powerless to the thrall of poorly written books with no plot or character development. 

But, he's still your boss and has breath that can kill butterflies and baby bunnies...So what to do?

1)  I'm quite partial to fighting fire with fire (or stench with stench as the case may be).  Take up smoking.  Make sure you breathe all over him just after a ciggarette or hey, why not a cigar?  They're far more pungent.  Also, don't bathe for a while.  Wear an unwashed shirt and pop your hands behind your head on his approach with your odorous underarms facing his nose. 

2)  You say his breath makes you want to gag?  Well, go on and do it.  Vomit some every time he comes close enough to pollute your nostrils.  Go projectile, and he'll never forget it.

3)  Nothing says 'subtle' like a gas mask.  I bet you'll start a brand new trend at the office!

4)  Get some 'toxic hazard' tape and cordon off his desk (after he's sat down at it.)  While you're at it, decorate his desk with some 'noxious' or 'poison' gasses signs and some good ole' skull and crossbones flags. 

5)  If a colleague leaves their computer unlocked, hijack said colleague's email and tell the boss how much his breath stinks.  Preferably do this to a colleague you don't like.

If this doesn't stop the problem, then I'm afraid it's nose plugs for you!

-D.  

Your Place or Mine...?

To A&D,

Looking for a practical answer and hoping you can help. My boyfriend and I both own our own units, mortgages, furniture and pets, we are considering moving in together but I am unsure of how this would work being he wants to live at his house and I want to live at mine. The are both centrally located to our jobs although my unit is closer to good restaurants, shops and night spots, his is quieter but has a bigger yard. We both live alone so housemates isn't an issue but I don't know how we'll ever come to an agreement about location and finances.

From

Don't want to get ripped off or sit on his tacky couch.



Angel


Dear Couch Hater,

Welcome to Planet Compromise! I actually think the main issue here is finances - you'll both need to be level headed about this, so if the worst happens, at least neither of you are arguing about money. This means figuring out how you'll each contribute to living expenses in a way that's 'fair' for both of you.

As for where you decide to live, I suggest that you and your boyfriend each write lists of pros and cons for living in your place and living in his place. It might be easier to compromise than you think.

Alternatively....you could move into a place that you can both agree to, with each of you renting out your own places.

Hope this helps!

Love, Angel


Devil

Zdravzvyutye, Tacky Couch Loather,

Oh have a cry would you? Sheesh! "poor me and my poor boyfriend who both own our own homes! wah wah wah!"

What a pansy arsed dilemma.

Alright, you need to sabotage his house. Lets start with the garden. I'm going to assume you both hate gardening.

Now, I don't know what kind of climate you live in, but bamboo is a pretty rad plant. And according to wikipedia, there are many varieties and bamboo can grow in pretty much any climate. Hell, I got me some bamboo down here! There's a type of bamboo that can grow a whole metre (that's 39 inches for you imperial f*ckers) in just one day. I recommend you get yourself some of that variety. Plant it. It'll be like jack and the magic bean stalk but without the giant, golden goose or anything to do with beans. At any rate, I'd like to see someone try and get the lawn mower on to that sh!t. And from my experience, bamboo is pretty difficult to get rid of once it takes hold. Problem solved!

...Unless boyfriend likes his new giant bamboo forest...In which case, you're kinda screwed.

So, you need to make him hate his house. Buy yourself some ant farms and release the blighters into the wild. And by 'wild' I mean, the house. He might get insect spray out and kill them, but what a shock when they keep coming back! Even after several trips from the exterminator! Oh, and don't just get an ordinary ant farm, get one that has big ants, and ones that bite. If you're not squeamish, you can also try this trick with cockroaches. And hey, you could even try and plant an infestation in that tacky couch of his. Two birds with one cockroach infestation. That's what I call efficiency.

But if you still can't convince him, I say withhold sex till he moves in with you. Or just dump him & enjoy the awesomeness of your own house.

enjoy!

-D.

Oedipus Next

Dear Angel & Devil, 

A quandary if you will:  I love my new boyfriend to death (not quite literally but close at times) but his mother is driving me insane!  She only has boys.  All of them are in their thirties and she hasn't yet cut the apron strings.  She does their washing, ironing, picks up packages and even cuts their hair.  She's a nice enough lady but she's also over protective and when I'm around her, I feel like can never do anything right!  I think she feels threatened by me but she has no need to be - I don't want to do my boyfriend's washing and ironing and I'm sure she doesn’t want to share his bed! (well here's hoping!!!)  What should I do?

 

Love Mama's boy's girl.

  

ANGEL

Dear MBG,

What's with these women?  I had always thought that the purpose of parenting is to prepare your children for the big wide world, and equip them to one day be able to survive without you.  This means teaching them skills like how to wipe your own bottom, tie your shoelaces, and operate a washing machine.  I sometimes wonder whether women who treat their grown sons like little boys are in some way trying to maintain control over them.

I think that might be what's going on here, and that's why you're picking up a vibe that BF's mother feels threatened by you - you're challenging her 'control' of her son.  I wish I could give you a quick fix here, but you're dealing with 30+ years of Mama's Boy Indoctrination.  Maybe as time goes on, she'll see you as less of a threat.  But maybe, she'll become the Mother-in-Law from hell.  Something to think about.

Something else to think about:  you say you don't want to do your boyfriend's washing and ironing, but what happens if you guys move in together?  Are you going to have to train him to do basic domestic tasks, or is he going to expect you to do these things for him?

So, I reckon the mother is a lost cause, but there's still hope for the son.  Encourage him to move out of home, stand on his own feet, and domesticate himself.  Problem (mostly) solved!

Love Angel.

DEVIL

Yo mama's boy's girl,

First of all I gotta tell you, going out with a boy who lets his mother do his washing for him is not a good sign at all.  What a lazy SOB.  I think you should seriously consider punishing him by making him do all of your ironing etc to make up for the ironing he hasn't had to do all this time.  (If he winds up in hell, i know what he'll be doing for eternity...hehe)

So I thought long and hard about this and you only have one option:  Destruction.

Operation Destruction:
So...Boyfriends mother thinks you can't do anything right?  Well, stop trying!  Why would you want this deranged washerwoman to like you anyway?

If there's anything I like better than sabotaging a steam iron, it's washing machine sabotage.  Also, dryer and clothes line sabotage are pretty fun too.

#1  Iron sabotage
All steam irons require water, right?  empty the iron of water and replace with any non standard kitchen liquid.  Now I haven't tried any of the following, but I'm pretty sure you'd ruin both clothes and iron if the following were emptied into the water chamber of a steam iron:
- BBQ sauce
- vodka (what a waste - but may have added benefit of catching on fire)
- olive oil
- red wine
- honey

#2  Washing machine sabotage
The sabotage will depend on the type of detergent used.  For washing powder, empty half the contents of washing powder into the bin and replace with cornflour.  For liquid detergent, empty half the contents and replace with treacle. 

If you have access to the washing machine after a load has finished, empty some super glue into the load.  Laughter guaranteed!

#3  Washing line sabotage
Crazy glue pegs either to themselves or to the washing line.  Nothing could be simpler.  Or, saw through washing line till it's on it's last threads (this could be difficult for those contending with a wire washing line, but with a bit of creativity and some bulk cutters, all will be well.)  The weight of the washing will snap the line and all those cornfloured and glued clothes will need to be re-washed after falling in the dirt.  Aw.

#4  Dryer sabotage
Put a metric butt load of dry sand, dirt, wall paper glue powder and glitter into the dryer before a load goes in.  Again, I'm not sure what will happen here, but I'm certain it will be funny!

Happy sabotaging

-D.