Death Breath

Hey Angel and Devil,
My boss is lovely, he really is.  But he's a bit of a close talker (which is fine, I have no personal space issues) however he always has the most heinous bad breath.  I think he must eat an entire garlic bulb on a daily basis, and on it's own garlic breath is pretty bad.  However, coupled with coffee breath it's almost too much to bare.  I am forced to try and hold my breath while he gives instructions and do my best to not pull faces or vomit.  How do I get him to... I don't know, eat a mint or something?
Thanks,
Nose Pegged.

Angel

Dear Nose Pegged,

Something I try to remember when someone's personal habits are driving me craaa-zy is that I probably have an equally annoying or aggravating habit.  When it comes to bad breath, we've all had it at one time or another - and it can be hard to tell whether you're the person wilting the flowers.

Nevertheless, I understand copping a noseful of someone else's Death Breath can be gag-worthy.  But this guy's your boss.  I think it would fall into the category of 'Career Limiting Move' to tell him about his halitosis.

So what to do?  Well, you say you have no problems with personal space; maybe now is the time to develop some.  Take a tiny step backwards or lean away when he close-talks, this could take the edge off the stink.

If that doesn't work, you could keep a jar of mints near your desk.  When your boss comes over, you could have one, and then offer some to him.  That way,you're offering to share your mints, rather than making a pointed comment about his cat-breath.

But most importantly, remember that there are plenty of people out there who'd willingly trade their horrible bosses for your lovely-but-smelly one.  If he's a nice guy, you're really very lucky.

Love,
Angel. 

Devil


Shalom Nose Peg,

You have a nice yet stinky boss.  I'm gonna ignore the nice part.  Death breath is a bit of a curse...but garlic breath so bad you think he's eating whole garlic bulbs in a day?  Not just a clove?  This sounds like there are some underlying problems.

First you need to ascertain how he's managing to ingest so much garlic.  Can you see him mung on a clove or two for a snack?  Does he chew a clove instead of gum?  I'm thinking no.  Either he goes home and eats a clove of garlic for dinner or breakfast or he's actually a paranoid mental case Twihard.  The paranoia is probably coming from the coffee.

If it's the former you can leave a mega box of breath mints on his desk as a not so subtle hint.  Your colleagues will love you for it.

If it's the latter, I fear there is no hope.  Caffeine from all his coffee mixed with all that garlic causes mind altering heartburn which will unfortunately render your boss powerless to the thrall of poorly written books with no plot or character development. 

But, he's still your boss and has breath that can kill butterflies and baby bunnies...So what to do?

1)  I'm quite partial to fighting fire with fire (or stench with stench as the case may be).  Take up smoking.  Make sure you breathe all over him just after a ciggarette or hey, why not a cigar?  They're far more pungent.  Also, don't bathe for a while.  Wear an unwashed shirt and pop your hands behind your head on his approach with your odorous underarms facing his nose. 

2)  You say his breath makes you want to gag?  Well, go on and do it.  Vomit some every time he comes close enough to pollute your nostrils.  Go projectile, and he'll never forget it.

3)  Nothing says 'subtle' like a gas mask.  I bet you'll start a brand new trend at the office!

4)  Get some 'toxic hazard' tape and cordon off his desk (after he's sat down at it.)  While you're at it, decorate his desk with some 'noxious' or 'poison' gasses signs and some good ole' skull and crossbones flags. 

5)  If a colleague leaves their computer unlocked, hijack said colleague's email and tell the boss how much his breath stinks.  Preferably do this to a colleague you don't like.

If this doesn't stop the problem, then I'm afraid it's nose plugs for you!

-D.  

Your Place or Mine...?

To A&D,

Looking for a practical answer and hoping you can help. My boyfriend and I both own our own units, mortgages, furniture and pets, we are considering moving in together but I am unsure of how this would work being he wants to live at his house and I want to live at mine. The are both centrally located to our jobs although my unit is closer to good restaurants, shops and night spots, his is quieter but has a bigger yard. We both live alone so housemates isn't an issue but I don't know how we'll ever come to an agreement about location and finances.

From

Don't want to get ripped off or sit on his tacky couch.



Angel


Dear Couch Hater,

Welcome to Planet Compromise! I actually think the main issue here is finances - you'll both need to be level headed about this, so if the worst happens, at least neither of you are arguing about money. This means figuring out how you'll each contribute to living expenses in a way that's 'fair' for both of you.

As for where you decide to live, I suggest that you and your boyfriend each write lists of pros and cons for living in your place and living in his place. It might be easier to compromise than you think.

Alternatively....you could move into a place that you can both agree to, with each of you renting out your own places.

Hope this helps!

Love, Angel


Devil

Zdravzvyutye, Tacky Couch Loather,

Oh have a cry would you? Sheesh! "poor me and my poor boyfriend who both own our own homes! wah wah wah!"

What a pansy arsed dilemma.

Alright, you need to sabotage his house. Lets start with the garden. I'm going to assume you both hate gardening.

Now, I don't know what kind of climate you live in, but bamboo is a pretty rad plant. And according to wikipedia, there are many varieties and bamboo can grow in pretty much any climate. Hell, I got me some bamboo down here! There's a type of bamboo that can grow a whole metre (that's 39 inches for you imperial f*ckers) in just one day. I recommend you get yourself some of that variety. Plant it. It'll be like jack and the magic bean stalk but without the giant, golden goose or anything to do with beans. At any rate, I'd like to see someone try and get the lawn mower on to that sh!t. And from my experience, bamboo is pretty difficult to get rid of once it takes hold. Problem solved!

...Unless boyfriend likes his new giant bamboo forest...In which case, you're kinda screwed.

So, you need to make him hate his house. Buy yourself some ant farms and release the blighters into the wild. And by 'wild' I mean, the house. He might get insect spray out and kill them, but what a shock when they keep coming back! Even after several trips from the exterminator! Oh, and don't just get an ordinary ant farm, get one that has big ants, and ones that bite. If you're not squeamish, you can also try this trick with cockroaches. And hey, you could even try and plant an infestation in that tacky couch of his. Two birds with one cockroach infestation. That's what I call efficiency.

But if you still can't convince him, I say withhold sex till he moves in with you. Or just dump him & enjoy the awesomeness of your own house.

enjoy!

-D.

Oedipus Next

Dear Angel & Devil, 

A quandary if you will:  I love my new boyfriend to death (not quite literally but close at times) but his mother is driving me insane!  She only has boys.  All of them are in their thirties and she hasn't yet cut the apron strings.  She does their washing, ironing, picks up packages and even cuts their hair.  She's a nice enough lady but she's also over protective and when I'm around her, I feel like can never do anything right!  I think she feels threatened by me but she has no need to be - I don't want to do my boyfriend's washing and ironing and I'm sure she doesn’t want to share his bed! (well here's hoping!!!)  What should I do?

 

Love Mama's boy's girl.

  

ANGEL

Dear MBG,

What's with these women?  I had always thought that the purpose of parenting is to prepare your children for the big wide world, and equip them to one day be able to survive without you.  This means teaching them skills like how to wipe your own bottom, tie your shoelaces, and operate a washing machine.  I sometimes wonder whether women who treat their grown sons like little boys are in some way trying to maintain control over them.

I think that might be what's going on here, and that's why you're picking up a vibe that BF's mother feels threatened by you - you're challenging her 'control' of her son.  I wish I could give you a quick fix here, but you're dealing with 30+ years of Mama's Boy Indoctrination.  Maybe as time goes on, she'll see you as less of a threat.  But maybe, she'll become the Mother-in-Law from hell.  Something to think about.

Something else to think about:  you say you don't want to do your boyfriend's washing and ironing, but what happens if you guys move in together?  Are you going to have to train him to do basic domestic tasks, or is he going to expect you to do these things for him?

So, I reckon the mother is a lost cause, but there's still hope for the son.  Encourage him to move out of home, stand on his own feet, and domesticate himself.  Problem (mostly) solved!

Love Angel.

DEVIL

Yo mama's boy's girl,

First of all I gotta tell you, going out with a boy who lets his mother do his washing for him is not a good sign at all.  What a lazy SOB.  I think you should seriously consider punishing him by making him do all of your ironing etc to make up for the ironing he hasn't had to do all this time.  (If he winds up in hell, i know what he'll be doing for eternity...hehe)

So I thought long and hard about this and you only have one option:  Destruction.

Operation Destruction:
So...Boyfriends mother thinks you can't do anything right?  Well, stop trying!  Why would you want this deranged washerwoman to like you anyway?

If there's anything I like better than sabotaging a steam iron, it's washing machine sabotage.  Also, dryer and clothes line sabotage are pretty fun too.

#1  Iron sabotage
All steam irons require water, right?  empty the iron of water and replace with any non standard kitchen liquid.  Now I haven't tried any of the following, but I'm pretty sure you'd ruin both clothes and iron if the following were emptied into the water chamber of a steam iron:
- BBQ sauce
- vodka (what a waste - but may have added benefit of catching on fire)
- olive oil
- red wine
- honey

#2  Washing machine sabotage
The sabotage will depend on the type of detergent used.  For washing powder, empty half the contents of washing powder into the bin and replace with cornflour.  For liquid detergent, empty half the contents and replace with treacle. 

If you have access to the washing machine after a load has finished, empty some super glue into the load.  Laughter guaranteed!

#3  Washing line sabotage
Crazy glue pegs either to themselves or to the washing line.  Nothing could be simpler.  Or, saw through washing line till it's on it's last threads (this could be difficult for those contending with a wire washing line, but with a bit of creativity and some bulk cutters, all will be well.)  The weight of the washing will snap the line and all those cornfloured and glued clothes will need to be re-washed after falling in the dirt.  Aw.

#4  Dryer sabotage
Put a metric butt load of dry sand, dirt, wall paper glue powder and glitter into the dryer before a load goes in.  Again, I'm not sure what will happen here, but I'm certain it will be funny!

Happy sabotaging

-D.

Run to the Hills

Dear Angel and Devil,

I just got my first job after high school and it's in a call centre.  It's pretty draining work, but I love the atmosphere and my colleagues are loads of fun.  Well, maybe except for one.  "Natalie" is one of those older mother type women who is dedicated to her job and whatever and lovely to customers and to me and everyone else...except she's got some really strange, and sort of icky habits.  I don't know where to start, but I suppose I noticed things were odd about Natalie when I was eating lunch in the staff room.  Being a larger lady, she has a larger appetite... But I saw her polish off a whole BBQ chicken...and then drink the juices out of the bag.  She doesn't wear a bra either and I don't think she washes her clothes or hair with any frequency.  I saw her picking her nose and eating it at her desk and she puts customers on mute to huck loogies into her bin.  Other colleagues have noticed these things also and talk about her behind her back saying things like she's the way she is because she's from the mountains and comes down from the hills every morning to come to work.  Natalie really is a very nice person, except for the gross things she does.  My question is:  Should I tell her people are talking behind her back about her personal hygiene and general weirdness, or just let her be?

Sincerely

Not from the Hills



Angel

Dear Not-From-the-Hills,

I feel so sorry for this motherly-but-eccentric colleague, but I also feel sorry for those working within ear shot of her loogie-hucking ways.

Clearly some of Natalie's behaviour is anti-social, and is affecting her relationships with co-workers.  If this is your concern, you shouldn't talk to her about it, but rather, bring it up with your supervisor.  If you do this, you need to separate her anti-social behaviour from her eccentricities.  So for example, I don't think you should raise the fact that she doesn't wear a bra, or drinks chicken juice. 

Before you approach your supervisor, you should also consider that they are likely already aware of Natalie's behaviour, and you might look intolerant or bitchy for raising it.

And, you should also have a think about whether your supervisor is going to be able to change Natalie's behaviour.  If not, is it really worth bringing it up?

In the meantime, I'd suggest focusing on Natalie's good qualities - you say she's motherly and really nice - and every time you hear a colleague bitching about her, maybe you could mention these qualities, and encourage your colleagues to be a little tolerant.

I realise I'm saying this from my 'fluffy white cloud', and it must be much harder to put up with when you're stuck in a cubicle taking calls from irate customers.  But I still think that ultimately, Natalie is not going to change, so my advice is to 'let her be'.

Love,

Angel


Devil

Hi-de-ho, Not from the Hills,

Your problem is perplexing indeed.  My initial reaction was that this Natalie might be an actual Troll.  The nose picking, logie hucking, chicken juice drinking and lack of hygiene all point in that general direction...but the notion this grot was from the mountains really cemented the Troll thing in my mind.  But then I thought 'but she's able to hold a conversation and be nice to people'.  And these are things Trolls cannot do.  Perhaps she is part Troll? 

But what to do?

In my mind you have a few options...

#1  Tell the truth

Go at it.  Tell the woman all her faults and failings.  Write a list even, and tick each one off as you go.  Hey, while you're on the truth bender, why not take it a step further and give Natalie a leaflet for a fake 'Troll Support Group'?  You could cover the leaflet with things like "Do you harvest your nose like an orchard and eat it like so much forbidden fruit?  Do you drink chicken juice and let it dribble down your chin?  Is washing your clothes a bridge too far?  We can help you get out from under that bridge at Troll Support!"

#2  Passive Aggressive
If you're not one for confrontation and are too chicken (haha) to tell the truth, then a barrage of notes is the way to go.  Everyone loves a passive aggressive note or ten in the office!  My suggestion is to start at her desk with a sticky note about loogie hucking and nose picking.  You could buy her a box of tissues or a handkerchief (but I do NOT recommend the latter, those things are straight from hell anyway and if she can't wash her clothes regularly then a handkerchief is just going to become a whole world of gross!) and stick the note on the nice gifty.  It should say "these are for nose leavings", and hey if you have the time, mock up an instructional leaflet for nose blowing.

Perhaps a sticky note on her bin saying "No loogies" would also be of use.  In the ladies bathroom, pop a post it up saying "I shampoo...do you?" You could put another note in the staff room saying "No drinking chicken juice in this room."  You might need to put these notes up in every other room in the building too.  A big note on the front door saying "have you WASHED today?...If not, please go home and do so."  If this doesn't draw her attention to her shortcomings, it will certainly draw everyone elses attention to her shortcomings.  Win win as far as I can see.

#3  Distance
Get a different job.  Do you know what the 1st circle of hell is made up of?  Call centres.  That's right.  You're actually living hell for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week.  You sure you want to be doing that?  Remove yourself from the environment and you won't have to deal with the problem.  Or anybody elses for that matter. 

So there's my advice.  Take it or leave it!

-D.  

The Wrath of Dog

Dear Angel and Devil,

My partner and I have some good friends who have two dogs. They recently brought the dogs over for a dinner party and a "play date" with our dogs. Unfortunately their dogs proceeded to pee, shit and vomit in almost every room of the house. Seriously - there was something disgusting coming out of every orifice these dogs have. We did our best to be calm about it at the time, but there were messes on our light grey carpet. Now our friends want to come over again - and they want to bring their dogs again. They say the dogs are their "children" and they don't want to leave them at home. What can I tell them without offending them?

Thanks,

Sickened

Angel

Dear Sickened,

How horrible that your friends repay your hospitality by having their dogs discharge from every orifice all over your house!  Did they offer to clean up the mess, or pay for steam cleaning the carpet?  If I was a betting Angel, I'd put money on 'no'.

I'm sure your dogs are well trained, because you've taught them about boundaries and acceptable behaviour.  Not only have your friends failed to teach their dogs this, but it sounds like they need behaviour lessons themselves.

I think you need to be firm about boundaries.  Make it clear that both your friends and their dogs are welcome, but the dogs stay outside.  If that is too much of a separation for your friends and their 'children', suggest meeting in a neutral place, like a dog-friendly park, where you could all have a picnic.  Or better still, let your friends play host...although I dread to think what their house looks like!

Requesting the dogs stay outside or stay at home is not unreasonable, and considering what happened last time, your friends should be happy to accommodate your request.  Your home is something you should feel proud of – it should not be treated like a toilet.  If your friends are less than enthusiastic to leave the dogs outside, perhaps you should consider if these people are your friends at all?

Yours in discipline,

Love, Angel.

Devil

Wooaaah there Sickened...Woah!

Wow. 

Just...Wow.  Both dogs did the big 3?  In your house?  More than once?  And you didn't eject them and their sorry excuses for owners right away?  The owners weren't mortified or sorry at all?  They want to bring their dogs BACK to your house and go for round two of the great dog stomach, bladder and bowel evacuation spectacular?

Ahahahaha....Oh man.

Sickened...I'm pretty sure you're dealing with hell hounds and I'm pretty sure your "friends" are possessed by demons.  There's a chance they might be normal dogs with 'non-possessed' owners who are just genuinely shitty human beings, but there's also a pretty good chance I know what I'm talking about.

I think these fugitive demons are trying to assimilate into society...which, if I'm right means they really have no idea what human behaviour is all about.  There are some ways to flush this shit out (haha) without causing any problems.  (Unless they're not demons -- in which case it'll just be hilarious.  So, you win either way as far as I can see.)

Demon trial #1:  Taste

Demons have no sense of taste or appreciation of food.  Invite the happy couple around for pies.  Make normal pies for you, and dog food pies for them.  If they eat and say it's delicious...They're demons.  (If not...you've just got the suckers to eat dog food!  Ahahahaha)

Demon trial #2:  Smell  (A loyal and daring friend or ninja could really help with this operation)

Demons have anosmia.  (No sense of smell -- it's how they can deal with the sulphur fumes of hell).  When you have them around for dog food pies, get your loyal friend to climb their roof and dump prawn heads down the fan vent for the bathroom and kitchen.  If they're demons, they won't notice and soon enough they'll start to smell like rotten fish...If they're not demons...Well... their whole house will smell of rotten fish and it'll take them ages to figure out where the smell's from and how to get rid of it!  (And hopefully fetid prawn juice drips on them in the shower!  Ahahahaha!)

Demon trial #3:  Sound

Demons go insane and their eyes melt when exposed to the bagpipes.  What can I say? get bagpipin'.  If you do and they go insane...I'll be around to pick them and the dogs up shortly.  If not...well, hey.  You've fed two socially inept cretins some dog food, popped seafood in their air vents and made them listen to frickin' bag pipes...plus you've probably acted incredibly weird around them because you think they're possessed by demons.  Ahahahaha!!!  But seriously...I don't think they'll be coming back. 


Ciao for now!

-D.

 

 

Bathroom of Doom

Hi Angel and Devil,


I'm new to sharehousing, so I don't know all the etiquette. I really like my flatmate Andy, but we seem to have a problem with the bathroom, and I'd like your opinion about it.


Andy's girlfriend Fiona practically lives with us, staying over 5-6 nights a week. When it comes to the bathroom, they often have showers together (if you know what I mean). Using the shower after them really grosses me out, so I shower at the gym most mornings.


Yesterday Andy emailed me, saying I wasn't doing a good enough job of cleaning the bathroom. I think this is unfair, because I do clean the bathroom (even though I hardly ever use the shower), and while Fiona certainly contributes to the mess, she never helps with cleaning.


What should I do?


Bathroom Blues.

Angel

Dear Bathroom Blues,


Oh the joys of sharehousing! It's amazing how irritating other peoples' habits can be when you have to deal with them in close quarters.


Since you're new to sharehousing, my general advice on house-hunting is to find out whether you'll have any 'unofficial' housemates, and to check why the departing housemate left - it may be that they couldn't stand the living arrangements. I'm also not keen on housemates sending passive-aggressive emails rather than actually talking, so please avoid turning this into an email war with Andy.


As for the bathroom, I can't see that bringing up the 'showering together' issue going to work for you. If Andy and Fiona are cool with having sex in shared spaces, then they're going to think you're very *uncool* for being against it. Instead, I'd suggest keeping a can of disinfectant spray handy - it'll take you 5 seconds to disinfect the shower without having a conversation that would damage your relationship with Andy.


Also, the reason why housemates fight about cleaning is because everyone has different 'Filth Tolerance Levels' (or FTLs if you will). If you can afford it, the best way to deal with this is to hire a cleaner - it solves most arguments. If not, then you and Andy need to talk about your FTLs regarding the bathroom, and perhaps draw up a cleaning roster.


And while cleaning the bathroom may be the bane of your mortal existence, keep in mind that if you make it to heaven, you'll have self-cleaning bathrooms for the rest of eternity.


Love Angel.




Devil


Buon giorno Bathroom Blues,

Wow, I actually have to hand it to Angel, that was a pretty nice response...


But eh... it's not what I'd do.


The way I see it, you have two problems.  Firstly: The girlfriend.   Secondly:  They're having sex in the bathroom you share and are expecting you to clean it up after them.  Ugh!  Vomit-town!


With the latter problem, I don't think a can of disinfectant will do it.  Disinfectant isn't going to remove any mental image you might get when you're next in there.  Also, you say you "really like" Andy, but how can you like someone who is so blatantly inconsiderate and can't even confront you with his problems? 


There are a couple of options here -- like move out, or whatever, but if you want to stand your ground...Here's what you should do:


Operation:  Get rid of girlfriend (this may have the added bonus of getting rid of Andy too!)


Considering you barely ever use the bathroom, the bathroom should be the battle ground.  Empty half of Fiona's/Andy's shampoo and conditioner bottles down the drain.  Replace the missing half with one or more of the following:
* Several lightly beaten eggs.  Sure it'll smell bad, but maybe they won't notice till it's too late?
* Cement powder.  Hilarious once set!
* Honey and or Maple syrup.  If you get ants or 'roaches in your house, their hair may turn into a nesting place!
* Mud.  Who wants clean hair anyway?
* Blue food dye...and lots of it.  At worst, their hand turns blue...at best, it's whole body blue!  Win-win!
* Cottage Cheese.  Just because I couldn't think of anything more disgusting to come out of a shampoo bottle!
Rinse and repeat!!


Operation:  Embarrass


Email that little shit back and say you'd rather not even use that bathroom because he and his girlfriend defile it on such a regular basis.  Suggest he cleans it after each shower and with a metric shit load of bleach.  Advise that you will be going in there with a black light (which will show up anything unmentionable) to check if he's been clean enough.  If he's not happy with this arrangement, tell him he's just got to stop with the sex in the bathroom. 


Devilish regards,


-D. 

 

Sweaty Betty

Hey Angel and Devil

I've been seeing this girl for a couple of weeks and she's perfect - she's really hot and laughs at my jokes - but she's got like a mad sweat problem.  Now I've been out with loads of girls and none of my previous girlfriends have sweat like this.  All her clothes have giant sweat patches on them and this morning I noticed she left a sweat stain on my sheets.  It's pretty gross and smells rank!  I really like this girl, but I don't know how or if I should bring this up with her.  

Can you help?

- Drenched

Angel 

Dear Drenched,

Sounds like you’ve got yourself in a sticky situation.  Seriously though, I think this boils down to three questions.  

Firstly, can you live with it?  Is your girlfriend sweating a lovable quirk or a deal-breaker?  You say she’s perfect, so can you overlook the sweating or can you not face the thought of her drenching your sheets every night for the rest of your life?

Secondly, do you think she knows about her problem?  I think she’s more than likely aware of her sweating.  I’m sure she’s incredibly self conscious and hoping that you don’t mention it.  This means that if you decide to bring the issue up, you’re not likely to be telling her something that she doesn’t already know – but you will embarrass her.

Thirdly – and most importantly – could this be a health issue?  It doesn’t sound normal to sweat that much, and perhaps she needs to see a doctor.  I think that if you’re concerned about this, the best way to raise this is as a medical issue.  But if she says she’s already seen a doctor – and medical treatment hasn’t worked – this brings you back to question one.  Ultimately you need to decide whether you’d be happy to throw away a potentially great relationship because of this issue.  Hey, there could be something about you that’s really bothering her that she’s let go.  Nobody’s perfect (not even me!)

Love, Angel.

Devil

Bonjour Drenched...

If I were to have an 8th deadly sin, it'd totally be hyperhidrosis (excessive sweating).  Seriously, it's pretty gross... I reckon she must know she has her very own onion scented monsoonal storm cloud under her arms.  It's not like you could miss it.  To me it sounds like things are going straight to hell (don't worry, I'll leave a light on for ya!)

Solutions?

a) Drug her and hire someone to inject her under the armpits with Botox -- this is actually an effective treatment.  It wears off in 9 months, so you'll have to do it again.  Or she might be someone else's smelly problem by then, so who cares? 
b) Wear a peg on your nose and force her to sleep on a towel to protect your sheets.  It might humiliate her into doing something about it.
c) Run away!  Run away!!!
d) Buy her different types of deodorants and perfumes, and see which ones work.  Just don’t buy that Katy Perry perfume.  That shit comes from a river near my house. 
e) Fight back.  Eat only lentils and corn for 4 weeks.  Get flatulent.
f) Take up smoking to mask the smell.  (I have stock in several major brands of ciggarettes-- I don't mind spruiking for them!)
g) Buy crappy sheets from your local bargain store & a nice big fat black marker.  Wait till she stains the sheets and circle the stain with the marker.  Ask her what the stain is all about.

I sure hope this is helpful...Wait no I don't.  I'm the Devil!  Sheesh!  What was I thinking?

-D.

Hen's Night-Mare

Hello angel and devil,

A question for your site?

I am at an age where it seems everyone is getting married, this then leads to the obligatory hens parties. It seems hens parties these days are either ridiculously expensive carrying on for days or they are hyped up kids parties without the chocolate crackles (and lets face it that’s the best part of a kids party). So what I'm looking for is creative hens parties ideas and a way to avoid the games such as "pin the junk on the hunk" and pass the parcel with penis shaped toys inside.

Love

Free range hen

 

Angel

 

Dear Free Range,

 

Thanks for your question.  The main thing to keep in mind is that, while the party is all about the Bride, this doesn't mean you have to be at the mercy of Bridezilla. 

 

Since it's the Bride's party, you should try to accommodate any reasonable (or quasi-reasonable) requests.  If the Bride wants a tacky pink veil, shiny sash, genitalia-themed straws, strippers, and embarrassing dares, then (sigh) this is what you need to organise.

 

If she's all like, "I dunno", then give her a couple of suggestions:  seeing a band she's a fan of, going to the taping of a TV show she likes (this could be free!), or an afternoon of make-overs (DIY if people are on a budget, or hit up a day spa if you're in the money).  Also check out those 'Daily Deals' websites - maybe you could go sailing, or have a group cooking class, or a wine tasting.

 

If you're dealing with a Bridezilla, who wants a week in Thailand (or anything outside the hens' budgets), remember she's probably just temporarily insane in the lead-up to the wedding.  I suggest standing your ground:  she'll eventually see reason.  If she doesn't, you may want to contemplate the advice below.

 

Love, Angel.

 

 

Devil

 

Ahoy-hoy Free Range,

Obligatory hens' party eh?  Well, first things first, there is no such thing as an obligatory hens' party - that is unless you owned a bunch of actual hens on the condition that you held a party for them.  And those are some pretty weird circumstances.

So...advice... These parties are supposed to signify some kind of 'last day/night/whatever' of freedom before entering into the chokehold that is marriage, right?  Well, rather than playing frankly childish games involving male genitalia or hiring some greased up orange-skinned stranger to take his clothes off and reveal that he has male genitalia (what a shock) -- I suggest a string of activities to dissuade your friend from getting married in the first place!

I think the theme of the hens' party should be poo.  (These things have themes right?  eh, they do now.) 

Activity 1:  Volunteer at a child care centre
I know what you're thinking, right? why would the Devil suggest voluntary work?  Well, I think any work that's unpaid and not pleasant is funny.  So anyway, the point of this voluntary work is to get your bride to be used to cleaning up baby poo.  Get her to change as many nappies as she can! 

Activity 2:  Shit shovelling
Marriage is about compromise and I can't think of a better analogy for compromise than shovelling some shit.  Go to a farm, volunteer to move some cow turds. (or hey, chicken turds -- it is a hens' party after all)

Activity 3:  Volunteer at an aged care centre
And while you're at it, get your bride to be to volunteer to help change colostomy bags.  It's one of those things that she might just have to do for her future husband when he's old and incontinent. 

After all this, if she still wants to marry him, then at least she knows what she's in for!

-D.

Not so sweet charity

Dear Angel and Devil,

I have "Charity Muggers" -- aka Chuggers -- outside my work building most days.  You know, those overly cheerful people with bright t-shirts and clipboards wanting you to sign up to monthly payments to help blind crippled orphans or some such.  Normally I deal with them by politely saying 'no', but yesterday there were two of them and after I said no to the first one, the second one jumped out in front of me, blocking my way.  I'd had a long day, was tired and feeling quite flustered because this guy wouldn't get out of my way.  I ended up telling the chugger to 'F*** off!' I've never told anyone to f*** off before and would like some tips on how to better deal with this situation in future.

Sincerely, Charity Mugged.

Angel:

Dear Mugged,

Charity Muggers, or 'Chuggers', are truly a menace to our modern society.  I think that they prey on peoples' natural instincts to help others in need, but do so by trying to make you feel guilty if you don't support their particular cause.  And its especially galling that they won't accept one-off donations, they only want to sign you up for $40 per month or whatever; and that a fair chunk of your donation goes towards paying the commission of that same Chugger.

In general, I recommend using the 'Super Nanny' approach (remember her?):  reward good behaviour, ignore the bad.  So, never ever give money to a charity that endorses clipboard-bashing tactics.  Instead, give your charity dollar to those who don't use these tactics; the Salvos spring to mind.  If everyone did this, then charities would learn that chugging is not profitable, and the practice would disappear.

For your specific situation, I'm guessing that you reacted in this way because you felt threatened.  What this guy did is a kind of assault.  You need to turn this around - you shouldn't be afraid of these people.  So next time a chugger does this to you, stand your ground.  Ask for the chugger's details, and report them to their employer.  That will teach them!

Love, Angel.

Devil:

Greetings Mugged,

Firstly:  AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa

I can't believe those guys aren't inventions of mine!  Brilliant stuff.  They lay on the guilt and get you to fork over cash which is mostly to pay their salary... how is that not devilish? 

But seriously, the situation you described does sound like they meant to intimidate you which is really up there on my evil-o-metre.  I'm pretty sure I'll be seeing those guys at some point in future.  So...what can you do if this happens again?  Fortunately there are many, many options.  

1)  If you're caught unawares and not prepared to enact any of my other solutions, all you need to do is scream.  If you recover enough, add in a 'how dare you touch me' whilst still flipping out a bit.  This will draw some seriously unwanted attention to the chuggers and make it incredibly unlikely they'll chug outside your work place again.

2) Carry a bottle of that squeezy mayonnaise with you.  Make sure it's use by date has passed.  If confronted by charity muggers, unleash the squeezy mayonnaise.  Aim for their faces...and groins.  haha

3)  Call the cops.  (or even pretend to -- it's not like these losers are going to know the difference)  Just say "police" as you would when you're asked which emergency service you want and when the officer answers the phone say "I'm being detained against my will".  Just watch how fast they move

4) Carry a bottle of chocolate topping (the squeezy variety will serve you well here) If you see charity muggers from afar...cover your right hand with chocolate topping.  when approached (and you're really going to want to be approached) wipe your hand on their t-shirt thoroughly.  Then say casually "man, I've got such bad diarrhoea."

Chug-chug-a-lug!

-D.

Decibel Dilemma

Hi angel and devil,

I’m in my final year of study at Uni and I live on campus.  My next door neighbour, 'Liz', is loud.  Particularly when she’s picked up some guy which happens about 4 times a week – and I don’t care, that’s fine, except she’s LOUD!—and is ‘loud’ into the early hours.  At other times she listens to her stereo or TV...also on LOUD.  And it’s usually some music that’s heavy on the sub-woofer to the point where it shakes the light fittings in my room.  When she returns home, she leaves her car idling in the car park, with the stereo up full ball and the vibrations from her suped up car rattles my window pane from 4 floors up.  She doesn’t have a neighbour on the other side of her room, so no one else knows my pain. 

I’ve asked her many times to be considerate, and the residential advisor has also told her to be quiet.  This lasts about 3 days and then restarts.  I’m worried the RA thinks I’m a whinger or over reacting.  I’ve put in an application to transfer to a different room but the wait list is huge and I can’t afford to live off campus.

Please help me.  I’m going insane here.

Sincerely,

Silence is Stolen

Devil:

Hi there Silence,

Wow...that is some red hot crap you're dealing with there.  It's inspiring (for me, anyway) I'm thinking of using that scenario next time I'm on the 3rd circle...anyway...I'm here to uh..help I suppose.

Well then.  What to do...?

There are many things you can do here, but if you can secure your own band of ninjas, that’d help your cause.

Operation 1:  Smelly

I’m assuming ‘Liz’ has to do laundry at some point right?  When Liz next goes to the laundry, figure out which dryer she’s using.  Get your ninjas to cause a distraction (it’s uni, so just get someone to shout “free beer”).  Open her dryer and find the socks.  Empty as many cans of tuna into as many socks as you can -- and tie the ends.  If there aren’t any socks, find a sturdy t-shirt and do the same.  Repeat as necessary. 

Operation 2:  love struck

Assume the identity of someone she’s slept with and has discarded.  Leave Liz a cow’s heart in a box with a note that says “you broke my heart” on it.  Might disturb her enough to consider who she takes home, and how often.

Operation 3:  entertain me

She has a car...and a suped up car you say...?  Well, well, well...

Gather ye ninjas and get as much margarine and popcorn seeds as you can get your mits on.  Go on a night mission (ninjas are always prepared for a night mission, you won’t need to tell them to prepare).  Get ninjas to spread as much margarine as possible all over the car.  Ensure the door handles are fully caked up and smear as much as you can on all the windows and the wing mirrors, headlights and in general on the front of the car.  (This will mean maximum bug collection when driving.)  When your done with the marge, sprinkle popcorn seeds as you will.  If it’s hot the next day, Liz might get some free popcorn! 

The beauty part about this is, a car wash just won’t cut it.  You need hot water from my part of town to get the margarine off.

Hope your operation/s are a success!

-D.

Angel:

Dear Silence,

Inconsiderate neighbours can really make your life a living hell, can't they?  It's disappointing that the Residential Advisor hasn't been able to solve the problem, and I hear what you're saying about not wanting to look like you're being difficult.

Since you say it's not really an option for you to move out, we have to look at ways of resolving the problems on campus.

First up I think you need to gather hard evidence.  This will show people that you’re not just a whinger.  So, you could get your phone out and video record the noise from Liz’s room and your light fittings shaking from it.

Also, keep an anal retentive style diary of every time the noise is too loud.  This might be annoying to do, but it’s practical.  Another annoying, yet practical piece of advice:  Track down whatever the rules for living on your campus are.  There are probably rules about acceptable noise levels.

Present your evidence to the RA – use power point presentation if necessary.  If your RA doesn’t think it’s a problem, ask if they would be ok with swapping rooms.  If this is not to the taste of the RA, advise they have two weeks to figure it out or you’re going to go to their boss, their bosses boss and probably some trashy current affairs program.

If this doesn’t work...see advice above.

Love, Angel